Tag Archives: Living Bolder

Jan 15 2024

OLD!

A few months ago I went to my bank, something I rarely do in this world of banking apps and cash back at almost every retailer.  As I waited in line for my turn the woman in front of me struck up a conversation with the branch manager who was behind the teller counter attending to some unseen task.  The woman and branch manager apparently knew each other as they chatted easily about mutual acquaintances and activities.  

Everything was genial until she asked, “How’s your grandmother?”

The branch manager stopped what he was doing, straightened up, looked out into the lobby as he emphatically announced, “Old!”

The woman didn’t respond as her smiling face sunk into a bewildered expression, her eyes nervously darting around the lobby.  I felt she was as stunned by his response as I was.  Without another word he went back to what he was doing.

During the previous several months I had had a couple of ageist encounters with this early thirties something man.  Had he looked past the woman at me as he made what I thought was a disrespectful response, both for his grandmother and his acquaintance customer?  Or was I just imagining? 

Not so sure I should let this pass without a word, I, too, looked around at the young faces behind the teller counter, at the personal banker in the glass cubicle chatting with a customer.  They were all young twenty, thirty somethings.  The branch manager was the standard bearer for how to treat customers with respect and dignity.  He was their leader, their guide from whom they took their cues.  Since the previous manager was promoted to a higher level, which came as no surprise to me, I had noticed a change in the culture of this branch.  Weighing the larger consequence of not saying anything about the incident, I was now sure I would say something and to whom I would say it.  But, more on that later.

In recent weeks I’ve encountered a number of women speaking up about ageism in our society.  During the last year I’ve become more conscious of ageism, mainly in the medical and health insurance fields as well as the experiences at my bank and a few stores.  I’d like to know what you have experienced, if anything.  One woman told me the ageism in the US is ‘shocking’.  Is it that way across the country? Is it that way in other countries?  Several others have chimed in about how going grey was met with being called ‘old’ or ‘elderly’ followed by ‘dear’ and ‘sweetie’.  One woman even decided to start dyeing her hair again.  Not me.  I’d rather raise someone’s consciousness by speaking up about it.  There’s nothing wrong with a little silver protest.

According to the National Institute on Health (one of my favorite resources) “rising prejudices have spread concerning the elderly, who are seen as hindering productivity and social dynamism. Stereotypes about aging, beyond influencing behavior and ways of managing the care of elderly populations, can also impact personal experiences of aging.”  The simple fact of the baby boomer demographics makes our aging population larger than the generations, which followed.  What’s more, ageism influences our self-perceptions as well as our physical and mental health leading to such negative experiences like depression and isolation, which in turn translates into a shortened life span with a lower quality of life.

I have no doubt we live in a youth culture.  Personally, I’m anti-anti-aging.  All the ads by companies selling anti-aging products are laughingly, for the most part, using women at least 40 years younger than me to show ‘results’.  It’s as if aging is a disease, which we have to keep at bay for as long as we can with creams, lotions, dyes, supplements, makeup, botox and even plastic surgery.  Equally as pervasive is the vitamins and supplements industry raking in a hefty $150 billion per year globally.  The US makes up nearly one third of that number.  Age cannot be staved off forever, so we may as well accept that fact and enjoy life without going under the knife and getting our vitamins from healthy foods.  

Do I use creams and lotions?  Of course I do.  Who wants dry skin?  My objective is to feel the best I can without being obsessed with my body and looks to the point of trying to hide my age.  At 71 I’m comfortable in my own skin and love my grey hair.  I stopped coloring my hair somewhere around 12 years ago.  It was so freeing I’ve never thought about hair dyes again.  

But, the real issue is the devaluing of aging people due to accepted social norms centered around looking youthful, acting useful and contributing to society through a job.  According to the NIH, “the most complete definition [of ageism] has been offered by [researchers] Iversen, Larsen, and Solem, who, after a review and analysis of all the definitions given over the years, defined ageism as “negative or positive stereotypes, prejudice and/or discrimination against (or to the advantage of) elderly people on the basis of their chronological age or on the basis of a perception of them as being ‘old’ or ‘elderly’.” 

While visiting Italy I noticed a difference in the way I and my fellow aging travelers were treated.  It was with a graciousness and respect that was palpable in transactions at stores, meals in restaurants and just strolling down the street.  I believe the stereotyping of aging in Italy is a positive stereotyping where “respect your elders” is ingrained in the fabric of their social norms.  

I remember touring a villa where certain spaces were roped off.  The very young woman serving as monitor wore dark goth makeup, spiked black and maroon hair, black army boots, pants and pea coat along with a deadpan expression.  Visually scary.  No one was going to touch a thing or cross a barrier with her walking behind us!  Then, I had to make a run to the rest room, which was outside and down a long path on the grounds.  Upon my return she let me in with a stern look.  But, when I went looking for my group to catch up, she motioned to me with a smile, “Come.  I show you short cut.”  With that she led me around a roped barrier, across the living room’s ancient rug I was positive was not to be walked upon, around another barrier and down a hall where I joined my group.  As I turned to thank her she winked and said, “Secret.”  Although with cameras all over the place I don’t think it was a secret.  It was an act of kindness from someone who initially appeared so forbidding.  A reverse lesson in not judging a book by its cover.  I wonder now if the act of kindness was because of my grey hair and wrinkles and the Italian view of aging.

We are at once going through a transformation where aging is not what it once was as people continue to work, remain involved in their communities and are physically active.  Yet, at the same time, much of society views this natural part of life called aging with disdain or perhaps a bit of fear.  After all, following aging to the last is the grime reaper awaiting.  For me exercising, eating a healthy diet, keeping my mind sharp, being involved in my community, having a spiritual practice and engaging with family, friends and my hobbies are the components of healthy aging. That is my anti-aging strategy.

What do we do about the disrespect, the minimizing of our value to society?  I speak up and out about the situations I encounter.  For example, the branch manager.  As mentioned I decided I had to do something about his attitude and comments, not only for the sake of other customers, but for his employees.  Well, I emailed my contact at the bank and expressed my concern and how I had encountered what I believed to be ageism three times over a period of several months.  The CEO and president of the bank asked if it would be ok if the branch manager’s supervisor called me, to which I, of course, agreed.  

I learned that the bank has training about what respect and dignity look like, on discrimination including ageism.  I learned that upper management was sincerely disappointed in the branch manager’s attitude and, as was appropriate, apologized for the ageist treatment.  I haven’t been back because, as noted above, I don’t find it necessary to go to the bank very often.   However, I do hope to see a cultural change on my next visit.  I also hope this young manager views the experience as an opportunity to grow and learn and set a positive example for his staff.  Lastly, I hope he learned that just because someone is “old!” with grey hair and a few wrinkles doesn’t mean they don’t have wisdom,  influence and the power to create change.  

Copyright © 2024 kathysretirementblog.com – All rights reserved.

Dec 31 2023

Creativity, Self-Discovery and Adventure

A year ago I sat at this computer writing about my word of the year (WOTY), a trendy replacement for making New Year resolutions.  Conflicted about which word to choose, I chose all three in the title of this post – creativity, self-discovery and adventure.  I believe I lived up to actually using these words as my guide for 2023.

I thought about no word of the year for 2024.  I never make resolutions, so why was I choosing a word or words to define my path?  Hmmm.  Maybe it’s because the word doesn’t define my path, but rather shines a light upon it to illuminate my journey throughout the coming year.  I spent 2023 focused on renewing my spirit, sorting out emotions and finding my way forward as I learned to fly with only my wings to lift me.  Consequently, I decided a word of the year would help me continue to envision my futurity while I focused on my present.

As I began building my house the structure became a personal symbol of my fresh start in life, a foundation, an anchor for whatever I choose to do.  The idea of having a haven from which to augment what I’ve built during 2023 led me to realize my purpose is to continue building upon this foundation. There will be more creativity, self-discovery and adventure to come as I craft, add onto and develop what I accomplished in 2023.  Build.  That is my word of the year for 2024.  Build.

Building On-A-Whim Cottage

There’s much more to build than my house.  I began re-building my blog, which is a challenge in itself.  After years of neglect in favor of my caregiving duties and subsequent emotional recovery, I’m beyond rusty at finding my way around the WordPress platform.  Some of you may have noticed a weird post of just my picture.  As I grappled with uploading a new photo to my media files and Gravatar using my phone, my fat fingers touched the icon for publishing the photo as a post.  And in a nano second…yikes!!  I immediately deleted the post, but not before it went out to all of you.  I even received a couple of comments telling me what a great photo it is.  Thank you.  As always life includes challenges, snafus and missteps.  But, that’s the fun in learning and the lure of creating.

Another example of building is my beloved hobby of gardening.  My property currently looks like a mud pit as we’ve had rain, rain and more rain.  My plan to seed wildflowers after two hard frosts was sidelined as warm temperatures, at least warm for Michigan, hovered from the high 30’s to the almost unheard of December temp of 61.  That doesn’t mean my head isn’t swimming with plans for the various areas around the house as well as those far afield.  As I draw and collect landscaping plans, I’m grateful for the rainy days where I can sit and sketch and dream.  Nothing makes me happier than building gardens.  And, over time build them I will.

Building upon my social support groups is also a priority for 2024 as I work to expand my toehold of belonging in my new community.  While I’ve made the tentative beginnings of friendships, building a moai or tribe takes time as we get to know each other.  Joining in activities like yoga and book club at the area community center was the boost I needed to meet other residents with similar interests.  Fortunately, there are a few who are also new to the community and as open as I am to forging ties.  Add to that the welcoming spirit of many longtime residents and I’m on my way to building a support group.

As my mind’s eye conjures up a visualization of my imagination, my thoughts overflow with ideas for how I will live my life. I’ve mined the bottomless depths of my spirit, that which exists beyond the body and mind.  Much of this is and will always be a work in progress.  It’s all been an adventure as I turn ideas into reality, examine the heart of my being, make life decisions as a single woman, change my circumstances, visit venues solo and navigate my illuminated path. It’s been both scary and exhilarating as I seek sure-footedness along this never-before-traveled road I’m on.  

On this last day of 2023 I wish you all sure-footedness on a well illuminated path to carry you through 2024.  May your year be filled with peace, joy and love.

Happy New Year! 

Copyright © 2023 kathysretirementblog.com – All rights reserved.

Dec 13 2023

Where Have You Been?

I kicked off the holiday season at Thanksgiving with my family.  In the United States we celebrate on the fourth Thursday in November.  This year I felt especially grateful for my life and those sharing in my journey.  Now, with Christmas less than two weeks away and 2023 drawing to a close, I find myself ruminating daily about what a year it was for me.  Thankfulness for the good and not so good dominates my wondering mind. The not so good unsettled my ideas about life. Family, friends, love and compassion took on greater meaning as I felt humbled by the acceptance of my own mortality.

Of course, this acceptance came from the unrivaled challenge of my life, of my entire life, which was beginning 2023 without Martin.  It was years since he was really with me, yet I felt as if my purpose in life died with him.  I was no longer caregiving him, visiting him, attending to his needs, conversing with doctors, nurses, filling out paperwork, paying his bills.  2023 was my year of mourning as I wrote about my loss, felt his absence and made peace with it all.  Now, as 2024 appears on the horizon, that is  behind me.  

A few weeks ago someone asked me how long I’d been widowed.  My response caused them to say, “But you’re so happy!” 

Yes, I am.  And the reason for that is what I can only call a spiritual awakening.  As I plumbed the tangles of my soul in search of meaning for life and loss, I sometimes questioned if all my endeavors were really just a patch for my grief.  Instead, my meditations led me to realize Martin is with me and always will be, that the universe to which we all belong is filled with the essence of a greater natural being that has immersed us in a world brimming with life, mystery and wonder.  Answers have yet to unfold, but I have faith they are there. 

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.”

This realization led me to feel content.  Contentedness leads to happiness.  During 2023 I became braver about living my life.  I became increasingly confident about the path I am on.  I became more aware of the suffering of others and more compassionate, including self-compassion.  I gained greater faith in the unseen.  Lastly, I recognized that in order to truly live, one must accept one’s mortality.

Instead of identifying feelings as negative or positive, I embraced emotions as just emotions that come and go learning to allow my feelings to manifest themselves.  In what may seem contrary to that thought, I began working on being proactive instead of reactive.  I became creative beyond my usual internalized boundaries.  I opened my mind and soul to self-discovery.  I went on adventures of all sorts.  This past year was one of growth, transcendence and lots of new wisdom, which is perhaps the grace in Martin’s death.

There were tumultuous days when I sold my house where not much seemed to be going the way I wanted it to.  But, in the end I got exactly what I wanted.  My faith grew.  Not blind faith, but trust in my abilities.  The decisions were now all up to me, which was scary.  Yet, hadn’t I been making all the decisions on my own for the past few years?  Weren’t most of those decisions good ones?  Acknowledging my self-reliance boosted my confidence.

Speaking of braver I went off to Italy all alone making my way through four airports and three countries.  Frankfurt, Germany was the most challenging. Contrary to my perhaps stereotyped expectations of Germans being highly organized, customs was a chaotic herd of people taking a good hour just to reach the roped off lanes corralling us into order.  I’m not the most patient person in the world, so my already frayed nerves were tested.  I decided if I could weather that nerve-racking process, the rest of the trip would be a piece of cake.  And, it was.  By the time I traversed homeward bound through the Frankfurt Airport I was a more seasoned traveler taking everything in stride. I had experienced the merging of cultures as people from different countries and backgrounds gladly assisted me along the way. That is our real wealth, our real gift as human beings.

As I endeavored to claim my place in the community where I am building my house I entered 2023 continuing my yoga classes. I also joined a book club in January.  Both have led to budding friendships and a feeling of community.  Creating a space following retirement is always part of the challenge as we leave our work identity behind.  Here I was again building a new life in a new community meeting new people.  It was/is daunting. 

Building my house has taken on a symbolic meaning as I build my identity anew, willing people to make space for me. This is how I will enter 2024, building my house, my community, holding dear my family and friends while embracing new ideas, unsettling my past beliefs and growing into new ones.

With that, my dear readers, I ask you what did 2023 bring for you?  Where have you been, what have you done, how have you grown?  And, where are you going in 2024?  

Happy Holidays

Copyright © 2023 kathysretirementblog.com – All rights reserved.

Oct 3 2023

You, Inc.

Somewhere along the zig-zag of my working years, the idea of marketing ones’ self to create your personal brand and get ahead in the workplace arose on the business how-to horizon.  Dubbed ‘You, Inc.’ the concept hinged on the entrepreneurial notion that we are a personal business. Remembering the lessons from my almost going-down-in-flames work experience I shunned the idea only to take it up in retirement, not as personal branding, but as a means of taking care of myself.  I turned the idea into one of self-care instead of self-branding.

Culturally raised to put everyone else’s needs before my own, I was never taught that self-care is not selfish. Nobody ever told me how to truly take care of my needs.  My family raised girls to take care of others, to refill their mental, emotional tank, but no lessons on how to refill our tanks.  And, if ever I put myself first maybe even an ounce of guilt thrown in for good measure.  It took a long time for me to internalize the belief that it is not only O.K. to put my own oxygen mask on first, it is entirely necessary for my well-being. 

Below are some ideas for creating your own You, Inc.

Self-care.  Self-care is a habit of valuing yourself…all the time.  Self-care is a daily exercise, not a once in awhile something you do for yourself.  As a caregiver I learned exactly how important making time for me was to my survival.  In 2017, through the Rosalyn Carter Institute for Caregivers in partnership with the Greenville Healthcare System I was assigned a social worker for a year, free of charge, to ensure my mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health received the attention needed to ensure my well-being.   I met weekly with my social worker, Diana to review my week, what I was doing for me and how it was helping or not helping.  There was also a handbook with exercises designed to create an ever widening circle of activities to support my needs.  The intent, of course, was to reduce my stress and anxiety thereby reducing bodily inflammation in order to maintain my physical health, so that I had the reserves to care for Martin.  This is when I created You, Inc. for my self-care.

As I became more involved in the program I began to have an interest in anything and everything promising to support self-care.  Even without my caregiving duties I had always lived such a harried lifestyle never able to keep up with the demands of family, work and community.  With the challenges of caregiving I found myself in the same situation oftentimes operating on auto-pilot.  As I began to focus my energy adding layers of stolen moments for me, intertwining some activities like listening to music to benefit both Martin and me, I made a conscious decision to continue on my journey of self-care well into my future.

Setting Boundaries. The future is now.  I ramped up self-care during 2023.  I decided to take the year off, meaning not inundating myself with commitments. The number one objective is to only do activities that I 100% want to do when I want to do them.  After a decade of caregiving, I needed to refill my empty tank.  I set the boundary and said, “No” without guilt.  If it wasn’t filling my tank mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually, it had to wait until I felt whole again.

Me Time.  I hold commitments to myself as sacred.  I inadvertently made an appointment for a Monday causing me to miss yoga.  That’s when I devised appointment days.  For example, when I make an appointment for my doctors, dentist, car repair or anything else, I routinely schedule Tuesday or Friday.  Those are my appointment days.  While regular health-care checkups fall into the self-care category, so do my yoga practice, weight lifting, reading time, book club meetings and building my next home.  I don’t do early morning or late day appointments.  I’m retired.  Rush hour does not fit with my You, Inc. concept for living.  Early mornings are set aside for journaling, meditating and reading A Year Of Positive Thinking by Cyndie Spiegel and Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditation email (https://cac.org).  Once a week I indulge in home spa treatments like a facial and manicure putting on some meditation music and lighting a scented candle.

Healthy Eating.  As I write this I have Tuscan white bean soup simmering on the stove for supper.  By now, you probably know my self-care includes healthy eating along with exercise.  While I don’t deny myself a piece of pie or cake now and again, the changes I initiated are paying off with my feeling and looking better.  Embedded in my routine is weekly meal planning and grocery shopping.  The planning pays off in more Me Time and no stress about what’s for dinner.

Adopting this You, Inc. approach to self-care is refilling my previously depleted tank.  At one time stressed out of my mind I can once again take a challenge or setback in stride.  For the first time in what seems like infinitude, I’m volunteering some of my Me Time this week to help with fall clean up at the community center gardens.  It feels good to give of my time again and from a newly abundant reservoir.  

Self-care is not selfish.  You, Inc. is not selfish.  It’s how we replenish our inner reserves so we have something to give to others, family, friends and our communities.  If we didn’t take care of ourselves, we may not be around to take care of someone else. 

Copyright © 2023 kathysretirementblog.com – All rights reserved.

Sep 10 2023

How Much Is Enough?

On my return from Italy flying high over the north Atlantic there was a list of movies and podcasts offered by United to while away the passengers’ time during the nine hour flight.  I chose a podcast by a woman I’d never heard of – Dr. Laurie Santos.  What caught my eye was the word ‘happiness’ in the title of her podcasts from The Happiness Lab (https://www.drlauriesantos.com/).  I listened to one, then two, then three and then I couldn’t stop listening.  Months later I’m listening still.

Santos, a Professor of Psychology at Yale University teaches the most popular course in Yale’s 300 year history, “Psychology and the Good Life”, which teaches students how to make better decisions leading to a happier and more fulfilling life.  One would think at my age I’d have a good handle on that and I think I do, yet I’ve learned a lot from Dr. Santos and her interviews with an array of people from across the globe. 

I found one podcast especially insightful to my currently evolving  circumstances.  I feel happier than at almost any other time of my life.  I continue to mourn my loss, the unfairness of it all considering how Martin took care of his health.  Yet, I feel happier as I’ve adapted.  The circumstances of his care and disease and death made me more resilient, more independent and as Santos would say, braver.  I dare to do things I probably wouldn’t have done before.  I think way beyond the box.

Last week we broke ground on my property.  It was exciting to see the scrawny saplings and dead trees blocking entry to the property cleared away.  Their removal revealed an entrance flanked by huge oaks, which had shadowed everything else to its detriment.  It was a beautiful blue sky day with puffs of white clouds drifting lazily above the trees.  I walked the property looking back at the oaks and farm fields beyond.  As I stood on the little knoll where my house will sit I thought of Dr. Santos’ podcast, The Unhappy Millionaire, a story about a man who won a $31 million lottery.

What I found enlightening about this podcast was how it reflected my attitude towards building my house.  Underlying the story was the question, “How much is enough?”  Inflation has eroded my buying power and dreams for the house I wanted.  Like many people in this circumstance I started out thinking if only I had a little more money, if only I’d started last year or the year before, if only I’d sold my previous house for more money.  There is always this myth that we will be happy if, when _________.  You fill in the blank.  We often times spend our lives thinking if we just had more money, that sought after  promotion, a bigger house, the dream vacation, a fancier car and, yes, even the thought that when we retire, then we’ll be happy.  

As divulged in the podcast, like many human beings would be, I was bummed that I couldn’t afford what I wanted in this house.  I thought if only.  The Unhappy Millionaire caused me to shift my thinking toward gratitude.  What if I was grateful for what I could afford and worked within that budget?  I could still build the house and it was going to be my house, my sanctuary, my creation.  I was extremely fortunate to be living a life with a lovely family, good friends, great community and good health.  I decided to be grateful and take this up as a challenge instead of a setback.

With my changed attitude of gratitude wonderful things started coming my way.  Long before listening to The Unhappy Millionaire I found and bought a showroom floor model for my laundry room including high-end cabinets, sink and granite countertop for $600.  Next I tracked down granite and quartz remnants for my kitchen and bathroom.  Not the granite I wanted, but oh so beautiful, shaving thousands off the cost.  The quartz remnant was more striking than what I originally chose.  Wow.  I was having fun with this! I bought lights open box, carefully inspecting them upon arrival for any missing parts, scratches or dents.  Every one of them is in pristine condition.  I found Kohler fixtures online for a fraction of what local shops wanted, my exact chosen style, finish and all parts intact.  The columns for the porch are being procured from a barn wood salvage company shaving another $1,000 and adding special interest. 

The result of what I initially thought of as a negative is a contest I’m enjoying, savoring every victory over market prices, celebrating my triumphs, finding meaning not in the material things, but in the search.  It’s become an intriguing game to see what I can find next to have the quality I desire at a deeply discounted price.  More money wasn’t what I needed and it most certainly may not have made me happy.  My happiness comes from the ingenuity I’m using, the creative muscle I’m flexing.  I’m also relishing the fact that the house will have a style and charm it wouldn’t otherwise have had.

What happened to the unhappy millionaire?  Sadly, he took his own life.  He could have bought anything he wanted.  However, the money didn’t make him happy.  Material things didn’t make him happy.  More relatives than he knew he had came to him for money.  With his new lifestyle his friends drifted away.  Relationships were strained.  His wife eventually left him.  By winning the lottery he lost the love, relationships, community, passion and meaning in his life.  Money certainly helps, but beyond a certain dollar amount if we have a roof over our head, food on the table, clothes on our back and can pay for other necessities, we really don’t need more money or a bigger house or that prized promotion or the fabulous vacation or fancier car or whatever it is we think will be that which finally makes us happy.  Instead of seeking more, enough is when we understand that which makes us happy isn’t things or special events.  Enough is when we have meaning in our lives.  Enough is facing life’s challenges with gratitude for what we have.

Copyright © 2023 kathysretirementblog.com – All rights reserved.

Jun 27 2023

Transformations

After visiting three kitchen showrooms, looking at countless paint colors, wood stains, styles and price points, drawers, sizes and inserts, last week I made a decision on the kitchen cabinets and countertops for my new house.  There were also countless hours spent online looking at trends for all of the above and deciding if I want to be trendy or go my own way.  I settled somewhere in between.  The process of sitting down with a designer showing me options, current products and asking me what I like, what I want, forcing me to think about my preferences, and mine alone, was daunting.  It was also fun.

While we often think of our identities as steadfast we have all experienced many transformations throughout our lives, some intentional and some forced upon us by unexpected circumstances.  I’m going through a transformation not by choice, but I have no choice other than working through it.  As I’ve mentioned in other posts the one thing in life we can count on is change.  Transformative change occurs when an event takes place, which revises our view of ourselves and how we fit in our world.  My view of myself is changing.  My world has changed.  

I’m single now contemplating every decision with the support of others, but knowing that in the final analysis, the decisions are all mine.  Yes.  Daunting.  Also empowering.  Every change comes with personal growth as we face uncertainty, anxiety and countless other emotions during experiences, which alter our state of being.   I think of the job promotion that comes with both a feeling of accomplishment as well as an ounce of trepidation knowing the work responsibilities just increased.  The learning curve may be way up there.  Family life may be affected.  I remind myself how I’ve successfully come through other transformations.  How we handle change determines how we transform ourselves as a transformation most certainly will take place whether or not we are conscious of it.  I’ve found that accepting change brings peace as well as the opportunity to experience profound growth as I allow myself to inhabit other identities.

During the past year my identity has experienced serious changes.  Death of a spouse is a transformative experience.  A life change like no other.  While in my grief I haven’t always embraced this change with a tight bear hug, I have gathered it in my arms and heart as the only way forward.   I focus on the positives.  Being single has come with an unexpected amount of personal freedom.  I’ve definitely stepped outside my comfort zone and enjoyed doing it.  Without caregiving duties my mind has uncluttered.  I can focus on my health and well-being.   Recently, another widow shared how she redecorated her bedroom after her husband’s death.   This is a woman I admire for the resilience she has shown in the face of such a loss.  I didn’t redecorate my bedroom, but I did book a trip to Italy.  It seems we must take some action to embrace our current reality.

On my return from Italy I journaled my new life story re-examining who I am now and imagining what I will do and who I will be.  It helped.  Journaling allowed me to see on paper, in black and white, what resources I have in my bag of tricks and what I desire to do with them.  I let my imagination run wild.  This exercise was also a portal for expressing my gratitude for this transformation and all the transformations, which created my personhood.  Gratitude.  Acceptance.  Inspiration to take my plan and start implementing.  

The house, of course, is a symbol of this change, my personality, my hopes and dreams.  We break ground in September, in my mind representing the new territory I have entered.  Today, I bought the Seafoam blue metal lights, which will illuminate the island.  Tomorrow I start looking at flooring.  As I explore styles and options I, hopefully, will continue to feel confident in my decisions as I discover and grow and transform my life.

Copyright © 2023 kathysretirementblog.com – All rights reserved.

Apr 30 2023

Moving Forward

I’m writing this one on the fly.  A short one at that. Now on the cusp of May, April was a whirlwind, kicking up dust everywhere, pushing me into my future.  And, there’s still so much to do.  I feel overwhelmed, yet exhilarated to be moving forward.  After putting my house on the market, it is under contract with the closing looming just ahead, the inspections and appraisal but an April memory.

During all of that, out of the blue came my optometrist’s diagnosis for cataract surgery.  Silly me, I thought I was just in need of a new prescription.  You know, aging and all.  When I couldn’t read a single letter on the chart using my left eye, my stomach felt as if an iron ball dropped into it.  My first instinct was to put surgery off until the house closed and I’d been to Italy and back.  But, if I was to see anything in Italy and find my way around airports, surgery was a must have it done.  I could feel my shoulders drooping under the additional weight.  Fortunately, it’s a common surgery and I was in good hands with people who orchestrated all the appointments, and there were many, without a hitch.   That’s now behind me.  After 30 years, I can see without glasses!  Tuscany here I come.

My son-in-law is a busy guy who has my new build on his calendar for an October start.  No, I don’t get favoritism for being his mother-in-law and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Fair is fair, which brings me to finding a place to live for the next year.  Rents are high with few apartments available.  Feeling further burdened with finding a suitable temporary home, you can’t imagine the happy dance I did upon discovering a one story two car garage unit in a new walkable neighborhood at a reasonable rent.  And, both my roommates are welcome (meow meow).  

Now for the packing, closing, transferring utilities and the bazillion changes in address, moving, unpacking with no time to settle in before flying out to Tuscany for the trip of a lifetime.  My biggest worry? Yes, the cats. I’m upending their little lives then disappearing for ten days. Did I mention feeling overwhelmed?  Through all the packing I’ve thought seriously about becoming a minimalist.  Not joking.  With all the giving away, selling and donating over the last year I still have so much furniture and stuff, too much furniture and stuff.  But, I’ll address that at some other moment in time.  For now, I’m moving forward.  And, that is what counts.

Mar 20 2023

Rules

During the last 20 years a lot has been written, reported, spoken about being our authentic selves.  When the idea of living authentically first entered my head space, I was working.  I wondered then how that might be looked upon in our rule based society where fitting in was a job requirement for most of corporate America.  Different ideas were often met with, “but that’s the way we’ve always done it”.  Rules and policies reigned. Employee manuals included everything from acceptable behavior to dress codes. Group think or face the wrath assigned to anyone not perceived as a team player.

Going further back in time I grew up in a very conformist household.  My family was, like many other families of the era, rule based.  Rules for inside the home and rules for school, church and social activities.  Rules for speaking and rules for dress.  Rules for daily living and rules for thinking.  The rules were there to ensure that we did fit in, were accepted and belonged.  We had to act the part and look the part and sound the part.  We’ve all heard the saying, “Go along to get along.”  

From an early age I was always the odd girl out among my siblings.  I didn’t do sports or fishing or deep sea diving or horseback riding or going to the stock car races.  While the kids in the neighborhood played baseball in the empty lot, I reveled in books, dance, theater, music, art and anything avant-garde.  The Sizzling Sixties rocked my world and I enjoyed the ride.  Growing up an hour train or bus ride to New York City, I was smitten with the anything goes in the city that never sleeps.  Back in my little borough on the Jersey Shore, it was rules, beliefs, fitting in and being normal.  Anything I did that was different from the perceived normal was shamed and ridiculed ending with the refrain, “We don’t believe in that” or “We don’t do that” or my mother’s favorite, “Kathleen, how could you?!”.

From home, church and the school yard we move on to the work place.  Here’s where not fitting in can hit us in the wallet.  The job or career where we have to fit in, go along to get along and work, work, work to achieve more and more in order to gain higher levels of prestige, money and success.  We create goals to satisfy our egos and our supervisor’s annual review.  We burden ourselves with more tasks which, comes with more stress, perhaps competition, and sometimes jealousy, from co-workers, then more hours, education and experience grabbing to do the same thing over again.  We dress to fit the role we play.  For this t-shirt and jeans type, hands-in-the-dirt gardener, the designer suits, acceptable hair style, perfect makeup and well heeled look grated.  It wasn’t dress for success to me; it was a strait jacketed uniform that helped pay the bills.

Throughout our lives for any number of reasons we often strive to fit in, so we will belong, suppressing our very authenticity.  We self-edit our ideas and desires to become someone else’s version of normal, acceptable, to meet their reality.  It may be for family or societal pressure, to bring home a paycheck, to be liked.  For me, that always chafed as if I were wearing a pair of ill fitting slacks.  Retirement is a cathartic release of all the above.  As poet Mary Sarton said, “We have to dare to be ourselves, however frightening or strange that self may prove to be.”  Retirement is the opportunity of a lifetime to be truly authentic.  Whatever identity we wore in our previous two-thirds of life, we can now create an identity of our own making.  

Today I don’t have one designer anything in my closet.  My wardrobe consists of many pairs of my coveted jeans, t-shirts and sweaters.  I rarely wear jewelry, not even earrings.  I let my hair go gray years ago.  I write, read, paint, draw, listen to music, garden, of course, and plan solo travels like my upcoming trip to Italy or building my new house.  There will always be people who tell us we should do this or should do that.  They are thinking what works for them must surely work for you.  Listen to them, politely, if you can, then do whatever the hell you want!  You have nothing to prove to anyone.  You don’t need anyone’s approval.

To an extent we will always need to follow some rules as a society without rules is a mass of chaos.  I see this time as choosing to live my reality built upon my dreams.  I see it as I need people who support me, who may disagree with me, but people who accept my authentic self.  I see it as this time in my life is irreplaceable and it belongs to me with open arms for those who love me and I love in return.  I see it as wanting people in my life who see me as amazing as much as I see them as amazing.  In this moment I realize the gift of retirement is freedom to be who I am, where I am.  I no longer have to fit into someone else’s idea of me.  That’s my new reality.  That’s my rule now.

Dec 31 2022

Where Are You Going? Where Have You Been?

Here we are again.  The end of another year.  One of the rituals of the culmination of the year is reflection upon where we’ve been as we make resolutions for the next year.  I haven’t made New Year’s resolutions in I don’t know how long, although I opted a few years ago to embrace a Word Of The Year or WOTY for short.  For me, the last few months were dedicated to reflecting not only on 2022, but my entire lifetime.  Many times I asked the question, “Where have you been?”  So, I’m not inclined to reflect further.  Instead, in early December I began thinking about where I was going.  My contemplation resulted in action.

Now, back to the WOTY.  The Oxford Dictionary actually chooses a WOTY to reflect the mood of the past year.  On the other hand a personal WOTY is meant to bring clarity to what you expect to change in the next year.  Originally, I chose ‘joy’ then ‘create’ then ‘balance’ then ‘renew’ then ‘discovery’ then no word at all.  I decided I was having such a time identifying one specific word that I didn’t actually want 2023 to be defined by a WOTY.  I desired the freedom to wend my way through any number of experiences and ideas and feelings and emotions and whatever life brought my way. 

After seeing the book on a friend’s coffee table, in October I bought, “A Year of Positive Thinking” by Cyndie Spiegel.  Spiegel provides a positive thought for each and every day of the year.  The dates are non-specific to a certain year, so you can pick up anywhere in any year.  I added it to my morning reading along with the “Guide For Spiritual Living”, a monthly magazine from the Center For Spiritual Living.  Coupling my daily readings with a course in The After Life at a local college, I drew on these resources as I ruminated about 2022 and planned for 2023.  I wanted 2023 to develop without being boxed in.

I reached this conclusion after reading, on December 23rd, Cyndie Spiegel’s thought for the day.  She wrote, “Who were you once?  Who were you before you began becoming the person others told you to be?  Who were you when you trusted and actually listened to your truest self?”  Oddly, this was exactly what I had been meditating upon since Martin’s death.  

Realistically, we all know the person of our childhood is long gone. Or, are they? Is our childhood person replaced by the person who was not only molded, in part, by those around us, but also by our life experiences?  “No”, I answered. “I am the same person yet a different person.”  Life can indeed be messy.  It can be fraught with hurt and trauma, unexpected pain.  It can also be magical, joyful and mystical with unexpected gifts.  Through it all, we grow and learn, rising in wisdom and, hopefully, self-actualization, becoming who we are today.  Yet, our soul’s code remains deep within perhaps waiting to be awakened.

Spiegel also asked such questions as, “What did you enjoy?” And “Where did you go?”  Those questions begged answers providing my mind and heart something to chew on.   Even before reading this passage in Spiegel’s book, I determined to do some things I now had the freedom to make happen.  Drawing on my work experience I knew resolutions often fail because they are not developed as step by step goals.  Knowing what action is required to make a want a reality is the key to success.  Drawing on my childhood dreams I began taking action.

Of course, whatever I did would most likely be done solo.  Traveling was a dream from childhood carried into my derailed retirement.  Now, I was putting that train back on the tracks full speed ahead.  Trepidation over traveling by my little old self was assuaged by the Michigan State University Alumni Travel Program.  As an alumnus I could take advantage of the numerous tours offered each year to Europe, Asia, South America and Africa.  A friend also reminded me of how, in our much younger days, we traveled solo for business as a matter of routine.  I could do this!  And, so I dove into the idea by booking a 2023 tour to Tuscany, Italy.

Ah, me. I had written lots of contracts in my career days and then, there’s this blog.  My soul still longed to write.  To that end, I reserved a spot in a writing workshop at John Campbell Folk School.  I’ve been to John Campbell twice before.  There’s a certain comfort in spending a week in a familiar, friendly place where community and fellowship abound.  Following the pandemic meals are back to being communal along with Morning Song and evening activities.  Living on campus is part of this uniquely American experience amidst artists and art, American folk art.

And, of course, the house I’m still sitting in as I write this is going back on the market next spring.  While my new house is being built I’m not sure where I will land to call my temporary home.  Yet, I feel strangely secure in the idea it will work out.  I know how the big picture will look if I’m off on one of my forays.  It’s the details, which allude me due to timing and the market and all the unknown little things that surface only when a contract is put together.  One of the gifts of Martin’s passing is my spiritual transformation to faith in the power of the universe.  I am not a body with a mind; I am a mind with a body.  Whatever occurs, everything I need will all come together.

This is my plan for 2023 so far.  And, that may be enough for one year.  For all the times I could barely put one foot in front of the other, I’m so excited about the future.  This is my time.  There is unlimited joy in just thinking of the possibilities.  Taking steps to make these dreams a reality is empowering beyond anything I could have imagined.  I revisited the idea of a WOTY and revised my thoughts.  Why not have Words Of The Year?  Plural.  As I enter 2023 ‘creativity’, ‘self-discovery’ and ‘adventure’ capture my mood and intent.

To all of you, wherever you are, I wish you a creative, adventurous 2023 of discovery!

Aug 2 2022

Doing Nothing

Over the last several weeks I discovered a luxury I’d been missing.  I didn’t know it was a luxury.  I didn’t know I was missing it.  I never thought of it as a luxury.  But, it is.  For the moment I’m indulging in doing nothing.  Yes, nothing.  Oh, I know we can’t ever be doing nothing.  Even when we’re asleep, we’re doing something.  One of the greatest challenges I’ve faced during the last year is overcoming the habit of being in constant motion both physically and mentally.  

After two months of decluttering, donating, selling, cleaning, paint touch ups, spring garden tidying, mulching, cleaning some more, making everything sparkle, the damaged deck replaced, it was show time. The house went on the market.  The new deck, which is the result of two cherry trees falling on the old one, the downsized amount of furniture and the fresh feeling of the house and yard almost make me want to stay here.  Almost, but not really.

Following the major clean-up I spent a week or two fidgeting as I looked for activities to fill my time.  Like a leaf in the wind I blew here and there doing whatever I convinced myself needed doing.

Then, I went to Detroit for a few days with a friend.  With tickets to experience Immersive Van Gogh, which was mesmerizing, but way too short, we decided to spend a couple nights so we could shop (I bought one tiny little thing) and visit The Henry Ford Museum of American Innovation.  Three days of wandering through museums and shops and art space.  Leisurely breakfasts and lunches and dinners.  Talking and sharing.  Sleeping later than usual.  I felt like I hadn’t felt in years.  

Immersed in Van Gogh

Returning refreshed I decided to just be for a while.  To do nothing.  Easier said than done.  Years of caregiving had my monkey brain still engaged full tilt.  Over my caregiving years I learned to anticipate the next need, upset, crisis putting myself into forever proactive mode.  If my predictive efforts didn’t anticipate the next caregiving event, there was, of course, flight, fight or freeze.  Rarely did I freeze because I never stopped thinking or doing.  And, there was never a time including respites where I focused on just being.  Now, I realize what a luxury it is to do nothing.  

Remember mindfulness? I wrote about it, practiced it and left it behind probably at the time I needed it most.  Mindfulness is achieved by being mentally present.  I’d been thinking for so long about the future and replaying the past in my head that I lost the habit of being conscious of my surroundings, my body, my emotions and not even paying slight attention to my current thoughts as they were swallowed up by stressing over what was to come.  Somehow, I had to unearth the ability to live in full awareness of the present moment.  It was there once; I could relearn it. 

Enter neuroplasticity.  Remember that?  I also wrote about neuroplasticity, took classes on the brain and brain research at Furman University OLLI.  Since then, the research on mindfulness and neuroplasticity continues to support the fact that we can create new neural pathways, even in cases where the brain is injured.  When we learn something new, we rewire our brains. I’m on a track to rewire my brain with new neural pathways to respond to situations sans flight, fight or freeze.  I’m reorganizing the connections in my brain.  Doing nothing is helping me.  By deliberately slowing my days I’m choosing what to do with intention each day, to be mindful and conscious.  

Intention is not the same as having a to do list where you tick off each accomplishment.  It’s not setting goals.  My goal is to rewire my brain, but it is the daily practice guided by my intentions, which enables me to reach that goal.  To me an intention sets the tempo for my day.  It guides me.  Working in my garden carries an intention such as, “I intend to be aware of the beauty and life in my garden.”  Other intentions could be “I intend to eat a healthy diet today” or “I intend to practice mindfulness today” or “I intend to forgive others and myself”.  

We often tend to believe if we put ourselves on idle, we’re being unproductive, lazy, wasting time.  For me, doing nothing is not actually doing nothing, but, instead, being present, mindful of the moment with intention.  Remember meditation?  I was always good for about 5 minutes and that’s where I’ve started over with my meditation practice.  Years ago I took a course in Buddhism, which is where I was introduced to meditation.  The one important part of the practice, at least for me, was learning thoughts enter our minds even as we want to empty the mind.  My instructor taught me to identify each thought as positive, negative or neutral, then let it go.  It works leaving me with a clear mind, which affords room to consciously rewire of my brain.

During my years of working I prided myself on what I could get done in a day. In the early years of retirement I felt the same way. Following Martin’s diagnosis and years of caregiving, however, I’ve changed my mind.  It’s taken the last year, and at times, I still find myself feeling as if I accomplished nothing in a day.  And that’s ok.  Letting go of old habits takes practice and time.  For the most part, I now cherish the ability to slow down, reflect, feel joy, be grateful, create and live in the moment.  It’s the luxury of doing nothing.