The woman looked at me with what I can only describe as pity as she said, “Getting old sucks.” I started to counter her assumption, then closed my mouth. I was already in the middle of a disagreement with her; I didn’t want to add fuel to the fire. I thought to myself, getting old does not suck. What sucks is the view our society holds about getting old.
We all knew people who didn’t make it this far in life — relatives, friends, classmates, co-workers and neighbors who passed away at a younger age, perhaps even as children. People who didn’t get to fall in love, have a career, reach their full potential, buy a house, the first car, go to college, have children or see children grow or enjoy grandchildren. No, getting old does not suck. It’s a privilege, a gift. After the loss of my husband to a hideous disease, this especially strikes me as true. Martin was so young when it began to rob him of his personhood. Only 57 years old.
Yet, people still young as well as some our age, look at aging as if it’s the disease, at the very least a time of decline, both physically and mentally. We buy into the anti-aging marketing of creams and beauty products spending billions a year trying to stay young. I have my share of infirmities, but most are not the result of old age. We all have health issues, albeit some worsening from aging. Eventually, the parts will wear out. However, when I see a YouTube of an 89 year-old gymnast vaulting and landing on her feet, I realize the old adage of use it or lose it still applies. It’s mindset. If you believe you are old and it sucks, that’s probably what you’ll get.
Martin’s disease aside, cognitive decline is not inevitable. Recent research at most major universities around the world have shown the adult mind can continue to grow. The brain has plasticity meaning it can form new synaptic connections. We often think of children and young adults as the ones with growing minds. But adults at any age can continue to grow mentally if they exhibit the same curiosity, sense of adventure and learn new things just as they did earlier in life. These discoveries are changing the view of aging.
Ashton Applewhite, author of “This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism”, is at the forefront of changing the stereotypes about what it means to get old. We all age. My grandchildren are aging. With kids, we refer to them as ‘growing up’; with over 60’s, we refer to them as aging. We suddenly become seniors, the elderly, the aged, old codgers. We also begin to be talked to as if we were the children. Condescending talk. We are not incompetent. Or worse yet, we are ignored. Since I stopped coloring my hair, letting it go to its natural gray, I’m suddenly dear, sweetie, young lady and on and on or I’m invisible altogether.
I took Applewhite’s cue and used a situation as a teaching moment for an early twenties server at a restaurant. I noticed the couple at the next table who appeared to be in their late thirties were called ‘ma’am’ and ‘sir’. I, on the other hand, was ‘dear”. I’d finally had enough of being called ‘dear’, so I told the server not to call me that. She looked at me puzzled and said, “Why?” My reply, “Because my name is Kathy, not dear. If I were your age, would you call me dear?” She didn’t know what to say. Maybe I raised her consciousness; maybe she thought I was just a crabby old lady. I don’t know. But if we are to change the way old age is viewed, the change starts with us.
Our society views aging as something to be cured or fought as in anti-aging creams and makeups, botox injections, plastic surgery and medications to combat normal body changes that come with maturity. One woman, upon seeing my graying hair, told me, “If I stopped coloring my hair, my husband would divorce me.” I have no idea if their relationship was that superficial, but in our youth obsessed culture, not dying has apparently been known to spark a divorce. Fortunately, we are seeing more and more gray haired models, defying the idea that old is washed up, has been and not beautiful.
Getting old does not suck. Attitudes suck. Do not pity me, feel sorry for me or patronize me. You, too will be here someday. And, when you are, stay engaged with the world, realize that your brain still works and can grow, endeavor to try new activities, learn something. Realize you are still beautiful and vibrant. Stay physically active. Recognize ageism and use teachable moments to change attitudes. You are one of the lucky ones. Getting old is a gift. Do not squander it by believing in stereotypes.
Copyright 2023 Kathy Merlino All Rights Reserved