Tag Archives: Aging Positively

Jan 15 2024

OLD!

A few months ago I went to my bank, something I rarely do in this world of banking apps and cash back at almost every retailer.  As I waited in line for my turn the woman in front of me struck up a conversation with the branch manager who was behind the teller counter attending to some unseen task.  The woman and branch manager apparently knew each other as they chatted easily about mutual acquaintances and activities.  

Everything was genial until she asked, “How’s your grandmother?”

The branch manager stopped what he was doing, straightened up, looked out into the lobby as he emphatically announced, “Old!”

The woman didn’t respond as her smiling face sunk into a bewildered expression, her eyes nervously darting around the lobby.  I felt she was as stunned by his response as I was.  Without another word he went back to what he was doing.

During the previous several months I had had a couple of ageist encounters with this early thirties something man.  Had he looked past the woman at me as he made what I thought was a disrespectful response, both for his grandmother and his acquaintance customer?  Or was I just imagining? 

Not so sure I should let this pass without a word, I, too, looked around at the young faces behind the teller counter, at the personal banker in the glass cubicle chatting with a customer.  They were all young twenty, thirty somethings.  The branch manager was the standard bearer for how to treat customers with respect and dignity.  He was their leader, their guide from whom they took their cues.  Since the previous manager was promoted to a higher level, which came as no surprise to me, I had noticed a change in the culture of this branch.  Weighing the larger consequence of not saying anything about the incident, I was now sure I would say something and to whom I would say it.  But, more on that later.

In recent weeks I’ve encountered a number of women speaking up about ageism in our society.  During the last year I’ve become more conscious of ageism, mainly in the medical and health insurance fields as well as the experiences at my bank and a few stores.  I’d like to know what you have experienced, if anything.  One woman told me the ageism in the US is ‘shocking’.  Is it that way across the country? Is it that way in other countries?  Several others have chimed in about how going grey was met with being called ‘old’ or ‘elderly’ followed by ‘dear’ and ‘sweetie’.  One woman even decided to start dyeing her hair again.  Not me.  I’d rather raise someone’s consciousness by speaking up about it.  There’s nothing wrong with a little silver protest.

According to the National Institute on Health (one of my favorite resources) “rising prejudices have spread concerning the elderly, who are seen as hindering productivity and social dynamism. Stereotypes about aging, beyond influencing behavior and ways of managing the care of elderly populations, can also impact personal experiences of aging.”  The simple fact of the baby boomer demographics makes our aging population larger than the generations, which followed.  What’s more, ageism influences our self-perceptions as well as our physical and mental health leading to such negative experiences like depression and isolation, which in turn translates into a shortened life span with a lower quality of life.

I have no doubt we live in a youth culture.  Personally, I’m anti-anti-aging.  All the ads by companies selling anti-aging products are laughingly, for the most part, using women at least 40 years younger than me to show ‘results’.  It’s as if aging is a disease, which we have to keep at bay for as long as we can with creams, lotions, dyes, supplements, makeup, botox and even plastic surgery.  Equally as pervasive is the vitamins and supplements industry raking in a hefty $150 billion per year globally.  The US makes up nearly one third of that number.  Age cannot be staved off forever, so we may as well accept that fact and enjoy life without going under the knife and getting our vitamins from healthy foods.  

Do I use creams and lotions?  Of course I do.  Who wants dry skin?  My objective is to feel the best I can without being obsessed with my body and looks to the point of trying to hide my age.  At 71 I’m comfortable in my own skin and love my grey hair.  I stopped coloring my hair somewhere around 12 years ago.  It was so freeing I’ve never thought about hair dyes again.  

But, the real issue is the devaluing of aging people due to accepted social norms centered around looking youthful, acting useful and contributing to society through a job.  According to the NIH, “the most complete definition [of ageism] has been offered by [researchers] Iversen, Larsen, and Solem, who, after a review and analysis of all the definitions given over the years, defined ageism as “negative or positive stereotypes, prejudice and/or discrimination against (or to the advantage of) elderly people on the basis of their chronological age or on the basis of a perception of them as being ‘old’ or ‘elderly’.” 

While visiting Italy I noticed a difference in the way I and my fellow aging travelers were treated.  It was with a graciousness and respect that was palpable in transactions at stores, meals in restaurants and just strolling down the street.  I believe the stereotyping of aging in Italy is a positive stereotyping where “respect your elders” is ingrained in the fabric of their social norms.  

I remember touring a villa where certain spaces were roped off.  The very young woman serving as monitor wore dark goth makeup, spiked black and maroon hair, black army boots, pants and pea coat along with a deadpan expression.  Visually scary.  No one was going to touch a thing or cross a barrier with her walking behind us!  Then, I had to make a run to the rest room, which was outside and down a long path on the grounds.  Upon my return she let me in with a stern look.  But, when I went looking for my group to catch up, she motioned to me with a smile, “Come.  I show you short cut.”  With that she led me around a roped barrier, across the living room’s ancient rug I was positive was not to be walked upon, around another barrier and down a hall where I joined my group.  As I turned to thank her she winked and said, “Secret.”  Although with cameras all over the place I don’t think it was a secret.  It was an act of kindness from someone who initially appeared so forbidding.  A reverse lesson in not judging a book by its cover.  I wonder now if the act of kindness was because of my grey hair and wrinkles and the Italian view of aging.

We are at once going through a transformation where aging is not what it once was as people continue to work, remain involved in their communities and are physically active.  Yet, at the same time, much of society views this natural part of life called aging with disdain or perhaps a bit of fear.  After all, following aging to the last is the grime reaper awaiting.  For me exercising, eating a healthy diet, keeping my mind sharp, being involved in my community, having a spiritual practice and engaging with family, friends and my hobbies are the components of healthy aging. That is my anti-aging strategy.

What do we do about the disrespect, the minimizing of our value to society?  I speak up and out about the situations I encounter.  For example, the branch manager.  As mentioned I decided I had to do something about his attitude and comments, not only for the sake of other customers, but for his employees.  Well, I emailed my contact at the bank and expressed my concern and how I had encountered what I believed to be ageism three times over a period of several months.  The CEO and president of the bank asked if it would be ok if the branch manager’s supervisor called me, to which I, of course, agreed.  

I learned that the bank has training about what respect and dignity look like, on discrimination including ageism.  I learned that upper management was sincerely disappointed in the branch manager’s attitude and, as was appropriate, apologized for the ageist treatment.  I haven’t been back because, as noted above, I don’t find it necessary to go to the bank very often.   However, I do hope to see a cultural change on my next visit.  I also hope this young manager views the experience as an opportunity to grow and learn and set a positive example for his staff.  Lastly, I hope he learned that just because someone is “old!” with grey hair and a few wrinkles doesn’t mean they don’t have wisdom,  influence and the power to create change.  

Copyright © 2024 kathysretirementblog.com – All rights reserved.

Dec 31 2023

Creativity, Self-Discovery and Adventure

A year ago I sat at this computer writing about my word of the year (WOTY), a trendy replacement for making New Year resolutions.  Conflicted about which word to choose, I chose all three in the title of this post – creativity, self-discovery and adventure.  I believe I lived up to actually using these words as my guide for 2023.

I thought about no word of the year for 2024.  I never make resolutions, so why was I choosing a word or words to define my path?  Hmmm.  Maybe it’s because the word doesn’t define my path, but rather shines a light upon it to illuminate my journey throughout the coming year.  I spent 2023 focused on renewing my spirit, sorting out emotions and finding my way forward as I learned to fly with only my wings to lift me.  Consequently, I decided a word of the year would help me continue to envision my futurity while I focused on my present.

As I began building my house the structure became a personal symbol of my fresh start in life, a foundation, an anchor for whatever I choose to do.  The idea of having a haven from which to augment what I’ve built during 2023 led me to realize my purpose is to continue building upon this foundation. There will be more creativity, self-discovery and adventure to come as I craft, add onto and develop what I accomplished in 2023.  Build.  That is my word of the year for 2024.  Build.

Building On-A-Whim Cottage

There’s much more to build than my house.  I began re-building my blog, which is a challenge in itself.  After years of neglect in favor of my caregiving duties and subsequent emotional recovery, I’m beyond rusty at finding my way around the WordPress platform.  Some of you may have noticed a weird post of just my picture.  As I grappled with uploading a new photo to my media files and Gravatar using my phone, my fat fingers touched the icon for publishing the photo as a post.  And in a nano second…yikes!!  I immediately deleted the post, but not before it went out to all of you.  I even received a couple of comments telling me what a great photo it is.  Thank you.  As always life includes challenges, snafus and missteps.  But, that’s the fun in learning and the lure of creating.

Another example of building is my beloved hobby of gardening.  My property currently looks like a mud pit as we’ve had rain, rain and more rain.  My plan to seed wildflowers after two hard frosts was sidelined as warm temperatures, at least warm for Michigan, hovered from the high 30’s to the almost unheard of December temp of 61.  That doesn’t mean my head isn’t swimming with plans for the various areas around the house as well as those far afield.  As I draw and collect landscaping plans, I’m grateful for the rainy days where I can sit and sketch and dream.  Nothing makes me happier than building gardens.  And, over time build them I will.

Building upon my social support groups is also a priority for 2024 as I work to expand my toehold of belonging in my new community.  While I’ve made the tentative beginnings of friendships, building a moai or tribe takes time as we get to know each other.  Joining in activities like yoga and book club at the area community center was the boost I needed to meet other residents with similar interests.  Fortunately, there are a few who are also new to the community and as open as I am to forging ties.  Add to that the welcoming spirit of many longtime residents and I’m on my way to building a support group.

As my mind’s eye conjures up a visualization of my imagination, my thoughts overflow with ideas for how I will live my life. I’ve mined the bottomless depths of my spirit, that which exists beyond the body and mind.  Much of this is and will always be a work in progress.  It’s all been an adventure as I turn ideas into reality, examine the heart of my being, make life decisions as a single woman, change my circumstances, visit venues solo and navigate my illuminated path. It’s been both scary and exhilarating as I seek sure-footedness along this never-before-traveled road I’m on.  

On this last day of 2023 I wish you all sure-footedness on a well illuminated path to carry you through 2024.  May your year be filled with peace, joy and love.

Happy New Year! 

Copyright © 2023 kathysretirementblog.com – All rights reserved.

Dec 13 2023

Where Have You Been?

I kicked off the holiday season at Thanksgiving with my family.  In the United States we celebrate on the fourth Thursday in November.  This year I felt especially grateful for my life and those sharing in my journey.  Now, with Christmas less than two weeks away and 2023 drawing to a close, I find myself ruminating daily about what a year it was for me.  Thankfulness for the good and not so good dominates my wondering mind. The not so good unsettled my ideas about life. Family, friends, love and compassion took on greater meaning as I felt humbled by the acceptance of my own mortality.

Of course, this acceptance came from the unrivaled challenge of my life, of my entire life, which was beginning 2023 without Martin.  It was years since he was really with me, yet I felt as if my purpose in life died with him.  I was no longer caregiving him, visiting him, attending to his needs, conversing with doctors, nurses, filling out paperwork, paying his bills.  2023 was my year of mourning as I wrote about my loss, felt his absence and made peace with it all.  Now, as 2024 appears on the horizon, that is  behind me.  

A few weeks ago someone asked me how long I’d been widowed.  My response caused them to say, “But you’re so happy!” 

Yes, I am.  And the reason for that is what I can only call a spiritual awakening.  As I plumbed the tangles of my soul in search of meaning for life and loss, I sometimes questioned if all my endeavors were really just a patch for my grief.  Instead, my meditations led me to realize Martin is with me and always will be, that the universe to which we all belong is filled with the essence of a greater natural being that has immersed us in a world brimming with life, mystery and wonder.  Answers have yet to unfold, but I have faith they are there. 

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.”

This realization led me to feel content.  Contentedness leads to happiness.  During 2023 I became braver about living my life.  I became increasingly confident about the path I am on.  I became more aware of the suffering of others and more compassionate, including self-compassion.  I gained greater faith in the unseen.  Lastly, I recognized that in order to truly live, one must accept one’s mortality.

Instead of identifying feelings as negative or positive, I embraced emotions as just emotions that come and go learning to allow my feelings to manifest themselves.  In what may seem contrary to that thought, I began working on being proactive instead of reactive.  I became creative beyond my usual internalized boundaries.  I opened my mind and soul to self-discovery.  I went on adventures of all sorts.  This past year was one of growth, transcendence and lots of new wisdom, which is perhaps the grace in Martin’s death.

There were tumultuous days when I sold my house where not much seemed to be going the way I wanted it to.  But, in the end I got exactly what I wanted.  My faith grew.  Not blind faith, but trust in my abilities.  The decisions were now all up to me, which was scary.  Yet, hadn’t I been making all the decisions on my own for the past few years?  Weren’t most of those decisions good ones?  Acknowledging my self-reliance boosted my confidence.

Speaking of braver I went off to Italy all alone making my way through four airports and three countries.  Frankfurt, Germany was the most challenging. Contrary to my perhaps stereotyped expectations of Germans being highly organized, customs was a chaotic herd of people taking a good hour just to reach the roped off lanes corralling us into order.  I’m not the most patient person in the world, so my already frayed nerves were tested.  I decided if I could weather that nerve-racking process, the rest of the trip would be a piece of cake.  And, it was.  By the time I traversed homeward bound through the Frankfurt Airport I was a more seasoned traveler taking everything in stride. I had experienced the merging of cultures as people from different countries and backgrounds gladly assisted me along the way. That is our real wealth, our real gift as human beings.

As I endeavored to claim my place in the community where I am building my house I entered 2023 continuing my yoga classes. I also joined a book club in January.  Both have led to budding friendships and a feeling of community.  Creating a space following retirement is always part of the challenge as we leave our work identity behind.  Here I was again building a new life in a new community meeting new people.  It was/is daunting. 

Building my house has taken on a symbolic meaning as I build my identity anew, willing people to make space for me. This is how I will enter 2024, building my house, my community, holding dear my family and friends while embracing new ideas, unsettling my past beliefs and growing into new ones.

With that, my dear readers, I ask you what did 2023 bring for you?  Where have you been, what have you done, how have you grown?  And, where are you going in 2024?  

Happy Holidays

Copyright © 2023 kathysretirementblog.com – All rights reserved.

Oct 3 2023

You, Inc.

Somewhere along the zig-zag of my working years, the idea of marketing ones’ self to create your personal brand and get ahead in the workplace arose on the business how-to horizon.  Dubbed ‘You, Inc.’ the concept hinged on the entrepreneurial notion that we are a personal business. Remembering the lessons from my almost going-down-in-flames work experience I shunned the idea only to take it up in retirement, not as personal branding, but as a means of taking care of myself.  I turned the idea into one of self-care instead of self-branding.

Culturally raised to put everyone else’s needs before my own, I was never taught that self-care is not selfish. Nobody ever told me how to truly take care of my needs.  My family raised girls to take care of others, to refill their mental, emotional tank, but no lessons on how to refill our tanks.  And, if ever I put myself first maybe even an ounce of guilt thrown in for good measure.  It took a long time for me to internalize the belief that it is not only O.K. to put my own oxygen mask on first, it is entirely necessary for my well-being. 

Below are some ideas for creating your own You, Inc.

Self-care.  Self-care is a habit of valuing yourself…all the time.  Self-care is a daily exercise, not a once in awhile something you do for yourself.  As a caregiver I learned exactly how important making time for me was to my survival.  In 2017, through the Rosalyn Carter Institute for Caregivers in partnership with the Greenville Healthcare System I was assigned a social worker for a year, free of charge, to ensure my mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health received the attention needed to ensure my well-being.   I met weekly with my social worker, Diana to review my week, what I was doing for me and how it was helping or not helping.  There was also a handbook with exercises designed to create an ever widening circle of activities to support my needs.  The intent, of course, was to reduce my stress and anxiety thereby reducing bodily inflammation in order to maintain my physical health, so that I had the reserves to care for Martin.  This is when I created You, Inc. for my self-care.

As I became more involved in the program I began to have an interest in anything and everything promising to support self-care.  Even without my caregiving duties I had always lived such a harried lifestyle never able to keep up with the demands of family, work and community.  With the challenges of caregiving I found myself in the same situation oftentimes operating on auto-pilot.  As I began to focus my energy adding layers of stolen moments for me, intertwining some activities like listening to music to benefit both Martin and me, I made a conscious decision to continue on my journey of self-care well into my future.

Setting Boundaries. The future is now.  I ramped up self-care during 2023.  I decided to take the year off, meaning not inundating myself with commitments. The number one objective is to only do activities that I 100% want to do when I want to do them.  After a decade of caregiving, I needed to refill my empty tank.  I set the boundary and said, “No” without guilt.  If it wasn’t filling my tank mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually, it had to wait until I felt whole again.

Me Time.  I hold commitments to myself as sacred.  I inadvertently made an appointment for a Monday causing me to miss yoga.  That’s when I devised appointment days.  For example, when I make an appointment for my doctors, dentist, car repair or anything else, I routinely schedule Tuesday or Friday.  Those are my appointment days.  While regular health-care checkups fall into the self-care category, so do my yoga practice, weight lifting, reading time, book club meetings and building my next home.  I don’t do early morning or late day appointments.  I’m retired.  Rush hour does not fit with my You, Inc. concept for living.  Early mornings are set aside for journaling, meditating and reading A Year Of Positive Thinking by Cyndie Spiegel and Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditation email (https://cac.org).  Once a week I indulge in home spa treatments like a facial and manicure putting on some meditation music and lighting a scented candle.

Healthy Eating.  As I write this I have Tuscan white bean soup simmering on the stove for supper.  By now, you probably know my self-care includes healthy eating along with exercise.  While I don’t deny myself a piece of pie or cake now and again, the changes I initiated are paying off with my feeling and looking better.  Embedded in my routine is weekly meal planning and grocery shopping.  The planning pays off in more Me Time and no stress about what’s for dinner.

Adopting this You, Inc. approach to self-care is refilling my previously depleted tank.  At one time stressed out of my mind I can once again take a challenge or setback in stride.  For the first time in what seems like infinitude, I’m volunteering some of my Me Time this week to help with fall clean up at the community center gardens.  It feels good to give of my time again and from a newly abundant reservoir.  

Self-care is not selfish.  You, Inc. is not selfish.  It’s how we replenish our inner reserves so we have something to give to others, family, friends and our communities.  If we didn’t take care of ourselves, we may not be around to take care of someone else. 

Copyright © 2023 kathysretirementblog.com – All rights reserved.

Sep 10 2023

How Much Is Enough?

On my return from Italy flying high over the north Atlantic there was a list of movies and podcasts offered by United to while away the passengers’ time during the nine hour flight.  I chose a podcast by a woman I’d never heard of – Dr. Laurie Santos.  What caught my eye was the word ‘happiness’ in the title of her podcasts from The Happiness Lab (https://www.drlauriesantos.com/).  I listened to one, then two, then three and then I couldn’t stop listening.  Months later I’m listening still.

Santos, a Professor of Psychology at Yale University teaches the most popular course in Yale’s 300 year history, “Psychology and the Good Life”, which teaches students how to make better decisions leading to a happier and more fulfilling life.  One would think at my age I’d have a good handle on that and I think I do, yet I’ve learned a lot from Dr. Santos and her interviews with an array of people from across the globe. 

I found one podcast especially insightful to my currently evolving  circumstances.  I feel happier than at almost any other time of my life.  I continue to mourn my loss, the unfairness of it all considering how Martin took care of his health.  Yet, I feel happier as I’ve adapted.  The circumstances of his care and disease and death made me more resilient, more independent and as Santos would say, braver.  I dare to do things I probably wouldn’t have done before.  I think way beyond the box.

Last week we broke ground on my property.  It was exciting to see the scrawny saplings and dead trees blocking entry to the property cleared away.  Their removal revealed an entrance flanked by huge oaks, which had shadowed everything else to its detriment.  It was a beautiful blue sky day with puffs of white clouds drifting lazily above the trees.  I walked the property looking back at the oaks and farm fields beyond.  As I stood on the little knoll where my house will sit I thought of Dr. Santos’ podcast, The Unhappy Millionaire, a story about a man who won a $31 million lottery.

What I found enlightening about this podcast was how it reflected my attitude towards building my house.  Underlying the story was the question, “How much is enough?”  Inflation has eroded my buying power and dreams for the house I wanted.  Like many people in this circumstance I started out thinking if only I had a little more money, if only I’d started last year or the year before, if only I’d sold my previous house for more money.  There is always this myth that we will be happy if, when _________.  You fill in the blank.  We often times spend our lives thinking if we just had more money, that sought after  promotion, a bigger house, the dream vacation, a fancier car and, yes, even the thought that when we retire, then we’ll be happy.  

As divulged in the podcast, like many human beings would be, I was bummed that I couldn’t afford what I wanted in this house.  I thought if only.  The Unhappy Millionaire caused me to shift my thinking toward gratitude.  What if I was grateful for what I could afford and worked within that budget?  I could still build the house and it was going to be my house, my sanctuary, my creation.  I was extremely fortunate to be living a life with a lovely family, good friends, great community and good health.  I decided to be grateful and take this up as a challenge instead of a setback.

With my changed attitude of gratitude wonderful things started coming my way.  Long before listening to The Unhappy Millionaire I found and bought a showroom floor model for my laundry room including high-end cabinets, sink and granite countertop for $600.  Next I tracked down granite and quartz remnants for my kitchen and bathroom.  Not the granite I wanted, but oh so beautiful, shaving thousands off the cost.  The quartz remnant was more striking than what I originally chose.  Wow.  I was having fun with this! I bought lights open box, carefully inspecting them upon arrival for any missing parts, scratches or dents.  Every one of them is in pristine condition.  I found Kohler fixtures online for a fraction of what local shops wanted, my exact chosen style, finish and all parts intact.  The columns for the porch are being procured from a barn wood salvage company shaving another $1,000 and adding special interest. 

The result of what I initially thought of as a negative is a contest I’m enjoying, savoring every victory over market prices, celebrating my triumphs, finding meaning not in the material things, but in the search.  It’s become an intriguing game to see what I can find next to have the quality I desire at a deeply discounted price.  More money wasn’t what I needed and it most certainly may not have made me happy.  My happiness comes from the ingenuity I’m using, the creative muscle I’m flexing.  I’m also relishing the fact that the house will have a style and charm it wouldn’t otherwise have had.

What happened to the unhappy millionaire?  Sadly, he took his own life.  He could have bought anything he wanted.  However, the money didn’t make him happy.  Material things didn’t make him happy.  More relatives than he knew he had came to him for money.  With his new lifestyle his friends drifted away.  Relationships were strained.  His wife eventually left him.  By winning the lottery he lost the love, relationships, community, passion and meaning in his life.  Money certainly helps, but beyond a certain dollar amount if we have a roof over our head, food on the table, clothes on our back and can pay for other necessities, we really don’t need more money or a bigger house or that prized promotion or the fabulous vacation or fancier car or whatever it is we think will be that which finally makes us happy.  Instead of seeking more, enough is when we understand that which makes us happy isn’t things or special events.  Enough is when we have meaning in our lives.  Enough is facing life’s challenges with gratitude for what we have.

Copyright © 2023 kathysretirementblog.com – All rights reserved.

Aug 1 2023

Pumping Iron

I started pumping iron again in preparation for my trip to Italy.  I thought that dragging a suitcase even on a pair of wheels may be more than I could handle.  Then, there was lifting my carry-on bag into an overhead bin.  During my past travels I always did entirely carry-on, but that was in my younger days.  There was always the chance of another passenger or an attendant helping, but I preferred to be self-sufficient.  Yoga had strengthened my legs, improved my flexibility and balance to where I could stand and put my pants on – one leg at a time.  While my upper body and core also improved with yoga, nothing strengthens and tones like weightlifting. I wanted the ability to carry my own weight so to speak.

It had been years and years and years since I lifted weights.  Previous experience reminded me I had to start slowly.  I also knew that as we age muscle mass decreases leaving me, at least, with the ‘Aunt Martha wave’ of sagging underarm skin – dry, wrinkly sagging underarm skin.  According to the National Institute of Health muscle loss as a normal part of aging is due to reduced endocrine function, physical activity and inadequate nutrition.  I longed for my arms to have some semblance of tone in appearance. In the interest of not straining my body (ringing in my ears was my yoga instructor’s mantra of ‘listen to your body’), I started with two pound handheld weights, then graduated to five pound weights.

Again, remembering my past training I offset my pumping iron days with my yoga days and of course, a day of rest which, by the way, isn’t spent sitting around.  In the interest of not stiffening, it’s imperative to keep those muscles moving.  My plan was six days of alternating each exercise and then a rest/recovery day.  I couldn’t do it!  Not only was the continual exercise a challenge, re-learning terms like rear delt fly, upright row and bi-ceps curl teased my brain.  Consequently, as I listened to my body, my plan evolved to yoga Monday, weightlifting Tuesday, rest/recovery Wednesday, yoga Thursday, weightlifting Friday, rest/recovery Saturday and Sunday.  Not forgetting how it’s important to remain active on the rest/recovery days, I continued to walk as weather allowed, going to the Leila Arboretum in Battle Creek or the MSU Bird Sanctuary in Richland.  When the weather didn’t allow, I just cleaned the house – ugh.

All of this seems like a lot.  And, until I spent ten days traipsing around Tuscany and various airports where my efforts paid off, I thought it was.  After my return and moving my household, it took a couple weeks to get back into the yoga and weightlifting habits and build up my routine again.  But, now I’m on a roll.  I’m doing two sets of every weightlifting move.  I go through all the moves doing 12 repetitions each. Then, I rest for about a minute or so and do 10 more repetitions of each move.  Eventually, I’ll add a third set of 8 repetitions.  I still have the ‘Aunt Martha wave’ with sagging underarms, but perhaps not as much as I should or could have.  My back, shoulders and upper arms are amazingly strong.  The kicker is what it’s done for my mental outlook. 

There’s a big payoff for exercising.  My confidence walking over uneven terrain increased.  I made it up many flights of stairs, over cobblestones and hilly wet climbs while in Italy, thankful that I had prepared for it.  What’s good for the heart is good for the brain.  Exercise improves cognitive function and reduces anxiety and bad moods.  I sleep better.  I feel I now have the strength, balance and flexibility to age well. While pumping iron was initially an activity that challenged my body and brain, it’s now a part of my routine I intend to maintain for as long as I can. 

Copyright © 2023 kathysretirementblog.com – All rights reserved.

Feb 4 2023

Food Glorious Food

I’ve always been a foodie.  In fact, my love of gardening started in the 1970’s with growing fresh herbs for all the dinners Martin and I prepped at home.  That was followed with growing my own produce and finally, gardens to fill the senses.  But, food, glorious food was always at the center of my enjoyment.  And at the center of family time.  Dinners out were not the normal routine for us when we could make it better in our own kitchen.

As our daughters grew and moved out of the house, we empty nesters adjusted to smaller meals.  Then, after decades of cooking together, Martin’s move to memory care left me cooking for one.  At first I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to continue cooking for myself.  But, after years of delicious home cooked meals, the alternative of processed, frozen dinners or take out left, well, a bad taste in my mouth.  With Covid, of course, fewer restaurant options remained and eating out solo as I’d done when I traveled for work was also unappealing.  What to do?  What to do?

At one of the occasional meals I have at Rachel’s house I savored a yummy chicken chili made in a crockpot.  I lamented the idea that such a meal would leave me with so much extra food.  Then, Rachel to the rescue!  

“You could get a small crockpot used for appetizers or smaller meals and cut the recipe.”  

What?  Feeling out of touch with the conveniences of today, I was amazed to find there are crockpots for two.  Of course, I bought one for $30 along with Pamela Ellgen’s book, “Healthy Slow Cooker Cookbook for Two”.  One of my favorite recipes is Chicken in Mango Chutney. Spiced with cinnamon, ginger and curry I love the smells that fill the air.  Another who knew is mango comes all diced in a can!

The crockpot revelation gave me the impetus to alter my frame of mind about cooking for one.  I discovered the website https://www.allrecipes.com, which offers the ability to modify the number of servings for many recipes.  Since most recipes can’t be reduced all the way down to one, I cook a meal and freeze the other half or have it for dinner a couple nights later.  That gave me another idea.  

Maryland crab soup with focaccia bread

Instead of looking at recipes as that’s too much for me to eat, I began looking at whether or not the meal could be broken into smaller portions and frozen.  Yes, I know I didn’t want to buy frozen meals at the grocery store, but my hesitation was based upon too much added salt and/or sugar along with ingredients the names of which I can’t pronounce.  During my current Michigan winter I’ve found a big pot of soup, stew or chili freezes well and provides a cozy comfort food dinner on bitter cold nights. Grandma Merlino’s spaghetti sauce can also be made as for a crowd then divided and frozen for future pasta dishes.

Other favorite comfort foods include lasagna and enchiladas, easily made in a casserole dish, divided and frozen.  As my days fill up with activities outside the house, these dishes along with the crockpot provide ready meals upon my return.  Paired with a salad I can still eat an enjoyable healthy dinner.

Speaking of salads I upped my game from the usual greens to making some interesting additions.  With winter comes a dearth of fresh greens, tomatoes and cucumbers.  Roasting root vegetables (parsnips, carrots, turnips, beets and whole cloves of garlic) to be added to kale, spinach and arugula along with chopped nuts, dried cranberries or other fruits and some feta cheese makes for a nourishing winter salad.  I also started adding a touch of maple syrup not only to my chili recipe, but also my balsamic vinaigrette. It provides an earthy nutty flavor.  Dried lavender buds, reminiscent of a summer day, is another favorite addition to the vinaigrette. Summer fare may also include salads which are not limited to greens. Three bean, asian noodle or fruit salads shake things up a bit.

Shrimp with three bean and asian noodle salads

On days when I find myself without a meal plan I turn to my egg carton and vegetable bin for a quick frittata in a small fry pan.  I add anything I can find including some roasted root vegetables, peppers, shallots, potatoes, celery or asparagus.  What’s left can be re-heated for breakfast or even a lunch. 

Never one to count calories I try, not always successfully, to simply eat healthy.  My one guilty pleasure is bread.  Any kind of bread, but especially a hard crusted bread or a moist muffin.  So, I indulge in a baking day making anything from crusty rosemary bread to carrot pecan muffins to focaccia bread.  Again, the muffins freeze well.  Breads can also be frozen, but should be used within the month.

Carrot pecan muffins

Eating for one, which started out as a depressing thought, has turned into an exploration of my senses as I experiment, discover and enjoy what food, glorious food has to offer.  It gives me something delectable to look forward to at the end of the day. And, the results have been very satisfying indeed.

Aug 2 2022

Doing Nothing

Over the last several weeks I discovered a luxury I’d been missing.  I didn’t know it was a luxury.  I didn’t know I was missing it.  I never thought of it as a luxury.  But, it is.  For the moment I’m indulging in doing nothing.  Yes, nothing.  Oh, I know we can’t ever be doing nothing.  Even when we’re asleep, we’re doing something.  One of the greatest challenges I’ve faced during the last year is overcoming the habit of being in constant motion both physically and mentally.  

After two months of decluttering, donating, selling, cleaning, paint touch ups, spring garden tidying, mulching, cleaning some more, making everything sparkle, the damaged deck replaced, it was show time. The house went on the market.  The new deck, which is the result of two cherry trees falling on the old one, the downsized amount of furniture and the fresh feeling of the house and yard almost make me want to stay here.  Almost, but not really.

Following the major clean-up I spent a week or two fidgeting as I looked for activities to fill my time.  Like a leaf in the wind I blew here and there doing whatever I convinced myself needed doing.

Then, I went to Detroit for a few days with a friend.  With tickets to experience Immersive Van Gogh, which was mesmerizing, but way too short, we decided to spend a couple nights so we could shop (I bought one tiny little thing) and visit The Henry Ford Museum of American Innovation.  Three days of wandering through museums and shops and art space.  Leisurely breakfasts and lunches and dinners.  Talking and sharing.  Sleeping later than usual.  I felt like I hadn’t felt in years.  

Immersed in Van Gogh

Returning refreshed I decided to just be for a while.  To do nothing.  Easier said than done.  Years of caregiving had my monkey brain still engaged full tilt.  Over my caregiving years I learned to anticipate the next need, upset, crisis putting myself into forever proactive mode.  If my predictive efforts didn’t anticipate the next caregiving event, there was, of course, flight, fight or freeze.  Rarely did I freeze because I never stopped thinking or doing.  And, there was never a time including respites where I focused on just being.  Now, I realize what a luxury it is to do nothing.  

Remember mindfulness? I wrote about it, practiced it and left it behind probably at the time I needed it most.  Mindfulness is achieved by being mentally present.  I’d been thinking for so long about the future and replaying the past in my head that I lost the habit of being conscious of my surroundings, my body, my emotions and not even paying slight attention to my current thoughts as they were swallowed up by stressing over what was to come.  Somehow, I had to unearth the ability to live in full awareness of the present moment.  It was there once; I could relearn it. 

Enter neuroplasticity.  Remember that?  I also wrote about neuroplasticity, took classes on the brain and brain research at Furman University OLLI.  Since then, the research on mindfulness and neuroplasticity continues to support the fact that we can create new neural pathways, even in cases where the brain is injured.  When we learn something new, we rewire our brains. I’m on a track to rewire my brain with new neural pathways to respond to situations sans flight, fight or freeze.  I’m reorganizing the connections in my brain.  Doing nothing is helping me.  By deliberately slowing my days I’m choosing what to do with intention each day, to be mindful and conscious.  

Intention is not the same as having a to do list where you tick off each accomplishment.  It’s not setting goals.  My goal is to rewire my brain, but it is the daily practice guided by my intentions, which enables me to reach that goal.  To me an intention sets the tempo for my day.  It guides me.  Working in my garden carries an intention such as, “I intend to be aware of the beauty and life in my garden.”  Other intentions could be “I intend to eat a healthy diet today” or “I intend to practice mindfulness today” or “I intend to forgive others and myself”.  

We often tend to believe if we put ourselves on idle, we’re being unproductive, lazy, wasting time.  For me, doing nothing is not actually doing nothing, but, instead, being present, mindful of the moment with intention.  Remember meditation?  I was always good for about 5 minutes and that’s where I’ve started over with my meditation practice.  Years ago I took a course in Buddhism, which is where I was introduced to meditation.  The one important part of the practice, at least for me, was learning thoughts enter our minds even as we want to empty the mind.  My instructor taught me to identify each thought as positive, negative or neutral, then let it go.  It works leaving me with a clear mind, which affords room to consciously rewire of my brain.

During my years of working I prided myself on what I could get done in a day. In the early years of retirement I felt the same way. Following Martin’s diagnosis and years of caregiving, however, I’ve changed my mind.  It’s taken the last year, and at times, I still find myself feeling as if I accomplished nothing in a day.  And that’s ok.  Letting go of old habits takes practice and time.  For the most part, I now cherish the ability to slow down, reflect, feel joy, be grateful, create and live in the moment.  It’s the luxury of doing nothing.

Feb 13 2022

On Being Single

While this post seems strange to me on Valentine’s Day eve, it is the approach of February 14 which fostered my curiosity about my current sense of singlehood.  I began looking closely at what it means to be on my own after half a century.  While searching within, I also, of course, searched the web.  There are lots and lots of articles and blogs on being single.  I had to diligently drill down in order to find articles, which weren’t how to’s on dating again or finding a new partner.  Searching my heart and soul, I already knew I want neither.  According to the Pew Research Center living without a spouse or partner under the same roof means I’m single.  

Yes, yes I know.  I can already hear someone saying, “But…but it’s almost Valentine’s Day”.  For those of you with another partner after the death of a spouse or a divorce, I wish you a happy life together.  You are all very fortunate people.  You are also people who most likely made the choice to seek another partner.  Or, perhaps, there was a bit of serendipity at play.  Although I’m now single by chance and location, I’m choosing to remain single for several reasons.

One of many books of love Martin gave me over the decades. This one from the 1970’s is my favorite.

I had the good fortunate of a long, long marriage to a man who enjoyed cooking together, shopping together, working with me in the garden, while I went on motorcycle rides and hikes with him and cheered him on at bicycle time trials.  If something needed repair whether bicycle or house, I was the extra pair of hands. We supported each others careers, with Martin even becoming the trailing spouse for my job move.  Fun for us was creating great meals at home, stopping at our favorite pub for lunch or supper, going to art galleries, museums and historical sites, an occasional play or concert and later creating our art.  We raised two kids and were rewarded with wonderful grandkids.  We had good times and some bad times.  It was all a lot of work, compromise, give and take.  It took years and a mutual commitment to create what we had.

Then, this unthinkably horrible disease took away our beautiful life together, making me Martin’s caregiver and slowly stealing his mind and spirit.  And, now, leaving me to carve out a future of my own, on my own.  I still have our loving family as does he.  They give me support and advice, but the reality is I’m single, alone, but not alone.  As I do today, I will always have a hole in my heart for this profound loss.  

However, at this juncture in my journey I’m also savoring buying my land, planning my new house and making the inherent dozens of decisions with no other consideration than what I want and can afford.  While it’s sometimes scary because all errors in judgment fall squarely on my sagging shoulders, it’s also exhilarating to be forging a new identity.  I feel like a kid again, only with lots of experience.  

As is my habit I didn’t make New Year’s resolutions.  But, I did write goals for 2022.  Perhaps, they are one and the same.  Topping my list is self-care.  Self-care is not being selfish.  It’s putting your own oxygen mask on first so you can help your fellow passengers.  More than one well-meaning person recommended I volunteer as a way to handle my grief.  When I’m fully breathing again, I’ll go back to volunteering.  Following years of caregiving and putting Martin’s needs first, self-care is putting my needs, health and well-being first.  It doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten Martin.  It doesn’t mean I don’t still love him.  It doesn’t translate into I’m no longer grieving.  In fact, part of my grief is finding myself without my lifelong partner.  It’s possible to grieve and, at the same time, feel joy again.

Accepting my single status allows me to envision my future.  I was one-half of a pair in an egalitarian marriage.  The chances of finding another partner wanting or even willing to cook, shop, clean, do laundry and be supportive of my activities outside the home is pretty much nil, especially since at my age, there are far fewer single men.  The reality is women still live longer than men.  Consequently, we outnumber them in the millions.  

I’m also set in my ways.  After five decades with one man, adjusting to a new partner is not anything I want to tackle.  While there is a void with Martin’s decline and subsequent absence, it’s not one I feel a need to fill.  I handled all the finances, paperwork and our social calendar.  As he declined I even learned to make repairs around the house by watching YouTube how-to’s.  I’m most proud of unclogging the dishwasher drain after a glass broke filling the drain with shards. With family and friends, as already mentioned, I’m not alone or lonely.  I’m finding new meaning and purpose in my life, including my return to blogging.  I’m quite capable of caring for myself and have every desire to continue doing so.

All of the above adds up to my choosing to continue living my life in singlehood.  One of my other goals for 2022 is finding me, the real me, the self-directed me, the me without a partner.  I have a house to build, classes to attend, books to read, people to meet, places to go, music to listen to, art galleries, museums and historical sites to visit, trendy and not so trendy small towns to explore, along with locally owned restaurants where I’ll savor good food and wines, cooking great meals at home and creating a new landscape to go with my new house.  Whoopee, more plants, more gardens!  And, of course, not doing anything at all…just being…just me…and my cats.

Feb 4 2022

Beating Back The Winter Blues

Enjoying winter beauty on my walk to retrieve the mail.

Another snowy day.  Watching a Blue Jay on an oak branch outside my window, I feel a sense of peace. That feeling is not the norm for me this time of year.  Following the holidays I’m usually overcome by the winter blues.  It doesn’t matter where I lived, north, south, east or west, a certain melancholy always set in.  But, not this year.  This year I decided to embrace the season.  

Instead of pining for spring I would make a conscious effort to enjoy the snow, the cloud cover and even the cold.  I would be mindful of winter’s beauty.  Instead of seeing a stark landscape I would pay close attention to the birds flitting from tree to bare tree.  I would eye the snow covered branches and listen for the sound of the wind.  I would smell the clean cold air on my walk to the mailbox and filling the bird feeders and shoveling the walkways.  I would arise every morning with gratitude for waking up in a warm bed, having a roof over my head, food to eat, cats greeting me at the door and all of us herding to the kitchen for breakfast.  I would drink coffee and write about the smallest of things in my gratitude journal.  

It is working.  By starting each day with an attitude of gratitude, I find my spirit lifted.  In the past I wrote in my journal in the late evening.  The small change of writing in the morning or sometimes the afternoon turned my mind in an unexpected way.  I also occasionally write in real time right after something as simple as watching a Blue Jay on an oak branch occurs.  By doing so it keeps the feeling of gratitude alive throughout the day.  In addition to a reflection upon the immediate past, my journaling becomes part of the present, creating a more mindful approach to life.

Embracing the season seems easier with retirement.  I never thought I would enjoy living in the north again.  Yet, here I am.  Since I don’t have to go out on the roads during stormy weather, the luxury of settling in for the day with a fire going, instrumental jazz playing, a pot on the stove filled with water and scented oils like orange or cinnamon and later a hot cocoa or tea conspires to fend off the blues.

After shoveling snow I’m ready for a hot cocoa! (note:faux fur)

Self-care is my main agenda this year.  This past month of indulging myself in simple pleasures not only brought that goal into focus, it renewed my sense of purpose.  I started by preparing my house for sale in the spring and I started that by decluttering.  I thought I’d done a bang up job of decluttering when I left South Carolina.  Now, I look at what I dragged to Michigan and wonder why I brought so much stuff.  And the old paperwork!  I went paperless years ago.  Yet, I still found a couple of boxes of old records.  I proceeded with a shred-a-thon.  Having a clear space allows for clear headedness, at least I think so.  

Living in a basically neutral space also brings a certain serenity.  I like using furniture and art to bring in color.  Being homebound with the pandemic raging while also caregiving, I spent many days stripping wallpaper covered with oversized roses, plaids and wild game and painting over walls of bright pinks, greens and browns to create a more relaxing space.  For someone looking for a calming peaceful space neutrals did the trick. Add that to how buyers prefer a clean palette that’s move-in ready and it’s a win-win.

My mornings after coffee, breakfast, cats on my lap, writing in my journal and catching up with friends, I head for the shower.  There I sprinkle an essential oil before starting the water flow.  Lavender or camomile if I want calm, peppermint if I want invigoration.  My favorite is grapefruit, the light citrus smell creating a spirit lifting mood.  I also treat myself to hand milled soaps with similar scents of lavender, peppermint or lemon honey.  Finally, I make my own sugar scrub with a half cup of sugar, enough almond oil to moisten and a dash of essential oil.  That’s my spa-like routine adding to my self-care.

As I finish this it’s the day after the snowfall.  The sun is shining from a blue sky dotted with ghosted clouds.  The glistening snow reflecting warmth into my writing space.  I shoveled sidewalks yesterday and recovered my garbage curb cart from under a drift left by the snow plows.  I’m off now to feed the birds and enjoy the beauty of the season.  

I’d like to hear what you do to beat back the winter blues or perhaps you aren’t effected by them.  Let me know.  Enjoy you day!