Dec 13 2023

Where Have You Been?

I kicked off the holiday season at Thanksgiving with my family.  In the United States we celebrate on the fourth Thursday in November.  This year I felt especially grateful for my life and those sharing in my journey.  Now, with Christmas less than two weeks away and 2023 drawing to a close, I find myself ruminating daily about what a year it was for me.  Thankfulness for the good and not so good dominates my wondering mind. The not so good unsettled my ideas about life. Family, friends, love and compassion took on greater meaning as I felt humbled by the acceptance of my own mortality.

Of course, this acceptance came from the unrivaled challenge of my life, of my entire life, which was beginning 2023 without Martin.  It was years since he was really with me, yet I felt as if my purpose in life died with him.  I was no longer caregiving him, visiting him, attending to his needs, conversing with doctors, nurses, filling out paperwork, paying his bills.  2023 was my year of mourning as I wrote about my loss, felt his absence and made peace with it all.  Now, as 2024 appears on the horizon, that is  behind me.  

A few weeks ago someone asked me how long I’d been widowed.  My response caused them to say, “But you’re so happy!” 

Yes, I am.  And the reason for that is what I can only call a spiritual awakening.  As I plumbed the tangles of my soul in search of meaning for life and loss, I sometimes questioned if all my endeavors were really just a patch for my grief.  Instead, my meditations led me to realize Martin is with me and always will be, that the universe to which we all belong is filled with the essence of a greater natural being that has immersed us in a world brimming with life, mystery and wonder.  Answers have yet to unfold, but I have faith they are there. 

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator for all I have not seen.”

This realization led me to feel content.  Contentedness leads to happiness.  During 2023 I became braver about living my life.  I became increasingly confident about the path I am on.  I became more aware of the suffering of others and more compassionate, including self-compassion.  I gained greater faith in the unseen.  Lastly, I recognized that in order to truly live, one must accept one’s mortality.

Instead of identifying feelings as negative or positive, I embraced emotions as just emotions that come and go learning to allow my feelings to manifest themselves.  In what may seem contrary to that thought, I began working on being proactive instead of reactive.  I became creative beyond my usual internalized boundaries.  I opened my mind and soul to self-discovery.  I went on adventures of all sorts.  This past year was one of growth, transcendence and lots of new wisdom, which is perhaps the grace in Martin’s death.

There were tumultuous days when I sold my house where not much seemed to be going the way I wanted it to.  But, in the end I got exactly what I wanted.  My faith grew.  Not blind faith, but trust in my abilities.  The decisions were now all up to me, which was scary.  Yet, hadn’t I been making all the decisions on my own for the past few years?  Weren’t most of those decisions good ones?  Acknowledging my self-reliance boosted my confidence.

Speaking of braver I went off to Italy all alone making my way through four airports and three countries.  Frankfurt, Germany was the most challenging. Contrary to my perhaps stereotyped expectations of Germans being highly organized, customs was a chaotic herd of people taking a good hour just to reach the roped off lanes corralling us into order.  I’m not the most patient person in the world, so my already frayed nerves were tested.  I decided if I could weather that nerve-racking process, the rest of the trip would be a piece of cake.  And, it was.  By the time I traversed homeward bound through the Frankfurt Airport I was a more seasoned traveler taking everything in stride. I had experienced the merging of cultures as people from different countries and backgrounds gladly assisted me along the way. That is our real wealth, our real gift as human beings.

As I endeavored to claim my place in the community where I am building my house I entered 2023 continuing my yoga classes. I also joined a book club in January.  Both have led to budding friendships and a feeling of community.  Creating a space following retirement is always part of the challenge as we leave our work identity behind.  Here I was again building a new life in a new community meeting new people.  It was/is daunting. 

Building my house has taken on a symbolic meaning as I build my identity anew, willing people to make space for me. This is how I will enter 2024, building my house, my community, holding dear my family and friends while embracing new ideas, unsettling my past beliefs and growing into new ones.

With that, my dear readers, I ask you what did 2023 bring for you?  Where have you been, what have you done, how have you grown?  And, where are you going in 2024?  

Happy Holidays

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20 comments on “Where Have You Been?”

  1. Kathy, this is beautiful. It gives me a great deal to think about as I look at my year and my life. Much to be thankful for and much to learn. Have a peaceful holiday and a happy and healthy new year.

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  2. Inspirational, Kathy, and I’m so glad you are in a good place. We had quite an interesting and enjoyable year. We built a house, or had it built to our design, in Arkansas wilderness country. We met our son, sojourning in South America prior to beginning his MD career, and had some taxing but wonderful hiking in Patagonia glacier country. The foundation I chair helped buy our local hospital and I’m now chairing the hospital board as well as the local college board and the foundation. Its very purposeful and keeps my brain engaged in learning new things. And later this month we will drive to Virginia to see our daughter receive her PhD degree and spend some time with her and her husband and his family. Life is good.

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    • You have certainly had a very full and exciting 2023! The house in wilderness country sounds wonderful. I wish you many enjoyable years living there. And what a family adventure hiking in glacier country. It reminds me of my hikes with Martin on Mount Rainier. Life is indeed good for you and your family. Best wishes for a happy, healthy and enjoyable 2024. K

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  3. At almost-87 I’m a bit beyond this stage, but I’m happy for those in their 60s-70s who are healthy and enjoying life. Where am I? In the “it is what it is” phase.

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    • You are still fabulous. With age comes wisdom, compassion, strength, resilience. You are still a loving, caring person. I believe it was Carl Jung who said, “live like you have a hundred years left to live”. Best wishes for a peaceful and happy 2024. K

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  4. As I leave behind a rather unsettling year, I hope and pray for a more peaceful 2024. Your assessment of your past year is inspiring.

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  5. I too traversed 2023 on my own. My husband of 46 years passed away in 2022. Faced with living in a large house I put it on the market mid-2023. Later in the year than I should have, but emotionally, mentally and physically (purging so much “stuff”) I was not ready earlier. My plan is to build a smaller house. I found your blog when I retired in 2016 and have followed on your journey, eerily feeling as though I am mirroring your experiences.
    Thank you for sharing and reinforcing that we are not alone in our trials and tribulations. Bless you and Happy Holidays.

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    • We indeed seem to be on a similar path. I’m sorry for your loss and certainly I relate to much of what you describe. For those of us who lose a life partner it is mentally, emotionally and even physically difficult to move forward. I’m glad you waited until you were ready to sell and declutter. Let me know how your plan to build a smaller house goes. Sending you love and light for 2024. K

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      • Thank you Kathy. I too feel our paths are parallel. I hope all is going well with your new home and wishing you a tranquil 2024.

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  6. Kathy, Your strength and insight are so inspirational. I too have felt 2023 was challenging and you inspire me to look back at it and see if I’ve grown from those challenges. I fear not enough growth, so that will be insightful as I move into 2024. Where am I going? I have not picked a WOTY for a number of years, but I’ve been thinking of doing one again for 2024. The word that keeps coming into my mind is Celebrate. Celebrate life. Be with people who celebrate me. (Your WOTY seems to be Build.) I’ll be thinking more about 2023 and moving into 2024.

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    • Thanks Pat! As I read your posts you have been equally inspirational to me. I, too, looked at Celebrate for my WOTY. But, you are correct…I chose Build a couple of weeks ago and have a post ready to go after Christmas. It’s about what I hope to build in 2024. We’ll keep growing for sure. Happy Holidays to you and yours. K

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  7. I love this

    Thank you for sharing your reflection on the past year and the personal growth you have experienced. It is inspiring to see how you have found contentment, embraced emotions, and gained faith in the unseen. Your journey of self-discovery and the courage to venture out on new adventures is truly remarkable. Wishing you a joyful holiday season and a fulfilling year ahead in 2024!
    Chase

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  9. I make it a point to read your blog when it first hits my inbox. Thank you for your motivation as we all try and journey forward into another year. Let’s look to 2024 and have that hope to fuel some needed energy and positive thoughts.

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    • Cecilia, Thank you for following my blog. I think it’s been a difficult year for many as we watch world events unfold and how they affect our lives, feelings and energy. I’m hopeful for a more peaceful positive 2024. K

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  10. “…in order to truly live, one must accept one’s mortality.” This is a bit of wisdom that is very hard-won in our death-denying culture — and I agree that this is the secret sauce for living fully as we age.

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    • It was certainly hard-won for me. But, accepting my mortality provided a spiritual awakening and is also very freeing to be myself. I’m much braver than I used to be. Happy New Year. K

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  11. Hi Kathy,

    I’m finally here to answer your questions in this post. This will not be
    a polished essay – probably more of a bunch of rambling thoughts!

    2023 was a year of change for me also. (Nothing like yours, of course)  
    First, Jan 29, 2023, was our last Sunday in our church of 6 1/2 years. 
    A situation that was not right had escalated even further and we
    realized it was time for us to exit.  This was difficult.  We found
    another church about 30 min away that was on the same page with us. (The
    one we left was only 10 min away). We attended several months and joined
    as members on Sept 3, 2023. God has blessed this decision. Although we
    left some great friends at the old church, this new church has been way
    above what we could have hoped for in a Pastor and in like-minded people
    that are much more dedicated to their faith and more. The difference in
    the teenagers is amazing.

    Another change was I joined the YMCA in August. (I think I told you
    about this already.)  I’ve been going T, Th, and Sa when I’m in town. I
    feel much stronger and more confident.

    Another big change is what I QUIT doing – I was both Secretary (3 years)
    and Treasurer (7 years) of our local beekeepers assoc. I had an epiphany
    (so to speak) in Jan of 2023 that I didn’t want to do this anymore. I
    felt it was ethical to complete my term, so wrote them right about this
    time last year that I wouldn’t be running again for either office.  So,
    in November they had an election and I got to pass off a big box of
    records. Ha. It was a lot of work and I was GOOD at it, but after ten
    years of being in this club – I realized I was not interested in bees –
    it is my husband’s interest.  I’m not even going to attend meetings
    anymore. This is saving me SO much time for things I want to do more!

    On Jan 4, I gave a speech at my DAR (Daughter’s of the American
    Revolution) meeting! This was a first for me (public speaking) and I did
    a good job! I got lots of compliments and applause! Who knew???

    Something new for 2024 – I’m going to try our local library’s book club
    that meets on the 4th Thursday of the month. I can’t say yet if I’ll
    like this or not – first meeting is Jan 25. But I’m excited to try it!!
    Our first book is “Emily Wilder’s Encyclopedia of Faeries” and I didn’t
    think I’d like it, but it is really good so far!

    One of my words for 2024 is “Abundance” in regards to shoes and food. 
    I’m a notorious under-buyer – I’d like to have 5 pairs of closed-toe
    shoes (only one pair now) and I want my fridge loaded with mini-peppers,
    grape tomatoes, Babybel cheese, yogurt etc. David and I were arguing
    over food – he often has gobbled up something I was looking forward to –
    so I’m going to attempt to out-buy what he can gobble up. LOL.    This
    relates to another big change: having more money – we will both start
    getting Social Security the 4th week of Feb. That will really help me
    feel free to spend on entertainment, food, grand-kids etc. David’s
    pension is comfortable (only because we have zero debt) but the added SS
    will give us lots of new options.

    I’m also constructing a list of what NOT to buy anymore – so far –
    magazines, candles, seasonal decor, decorative pillows. I’ve got 7
    pillows + 2 shams on my bed plus the regular bed pillows- I’m making it
    2 shams and one pillow as of tomorrow!

    That is also part of my word “Effortless”. I want to do things smoothly
    and serenely, with no hurry is what that means to me in part.  Having 9
    decor pillows on your bed is not effortless. Ha.

    I collect Cardinals in my kitchen, but they have started to bug me –
    Just the ones on the window sill really – so I’m putting those 8 away
    and I’ll feel better.

    I know I’m fortunate to have my husband to do things with. I’m also
    fortunate he is happy and has a calling – he loves his sheep, cattle,
    ducks etc.

    Well I guess that is enough for now!!  The mother-in-law of my first
    cousin’s son just had her book published  – a book on widowhood.  I will
    gift it to you (see, the blessings of extra $$$) if you send your
    address. I think her husband was late 50’s or early 60’s when he died
    suddenly of a heart attack. This happened about ten years ago. The book
    is her experience and what she has learned. It may or may not resonate
    with you – but Marilyn is a lovely, gracious lady! I’ve met her a
    handful of times at family events.

    Love, Renee

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