Tag Archives: Ageism

Jan 15 2024

OLD!

A few months ago I went to my bank, something I rarely do in this world of banking apps and cash back at almost every retailer.  As I waited in line for my turn the woman in front of me struck up a conversation with the branch manager who was behind the teller counter attending to some unseen task.  The woman and branch manager apparently knew each other as they chatted easily about mutual acquaintances and activities.  

Everything was genial until she asked, “How’s your grandmother?”

The branch manager stopped what he was doing, straightened up, looked out into the lobby as he emphatically announced, “Old!”

The woman didn’t respond as her smiling face sunk into a bewildered expression, her eyes nervously darting around the lobby.  I felt she was as stunned by his response as I was.  Without another word he went back to what he was doing.

During the previous several months I had had a couple of ageist encounters with this early thirties something man.  Had he looked past the woman at me as he made what I thought was a disrespectful response, both for his grandmother and his acquaintance customer?  Or was I just imagining? 

Not so sure I should let this pass without a word, I, too, looked around at the young faces behind the teller counter, at the personal banker in the glass cubicle chatting with a customer.  They were all young twenty, thirty somethings.  The branch manager was the standard bearer for how to treat customers with respect and dignity.  He was their leader, their guide from whom they took their cues.  Since the previous manager was promoted to a higher level, which came as no surprise to me, I had noticed a change in the culture of this branch.  Weighing the larger consequence of not saying anything about the incident, I was now sure I would say something and to whom I would say it.  But, more on that later.

In recent weeks I’ve encountered a number of women speaking up about ageism in our society.  During the last year I’ve become more conscious of ageism, mainly in the medical and health insurance fields as well as the experiences at my bank and a few stores.  I’d like to know what you have experienced, if anything.  One woman told me the ageism in the US is ‘shocking’.  Is it that way across the country? Is it that way in other countries?  Several others have chimed in about how going grey was met with being called ‘old’ or ‘elderly’ followed by ‘dear’ and ‘sweetie’.  One woman even decided to start dyeing her hair again.  Not me.  I’d rather raise someone’s consciousness by speaking up about it.  There’s nothing wrong with a little silver protest.

According to the National Institute on Health (one of my favorite resources) “rising prejudices have spread concerning the elderly, who are seen as hindering productivity and social dynamism. Stereotypes about aging, beyond influencing behavior and ways of managing the care of elderly populations, can also impact personal experiences of aging.”  The simple fact of the baby boomer demographics makes our aging population larger than the generations, which followed.  What’s more, ageism influences our self-perceptions as well as our physical and mental health leading to such negative experiences like depression and isolation, which in turn translates into a shortened life span with a lower quality of life.

I have no doubt we live in a youth culture.  Personally, I’m anti-anti-aging.  All the ads by companies selling anti-aging products are laughingly, for the most part, using women at least 40 years younger than me to show ‘results’.  It’s as if aging is a disease, which we have to keep at bay for as long as we can with creams, lotions, dyes, supplements, makeup, botox and even plastic surgery.  Equally as pervasive is the vitamins and supplements industry raking in a hefty $150 billion per year globally.  The US makes up nearly one third of that number.  Age cannot be staved off forever, so we may as well accept that fact and enjoy life without going under the knife and getting our vitamins from healthy foods.  

Do I use creams and lotions?  Of course I do.  Who wants dry skin?  My objective is to feel the best I can without being obsessed with my body and looks to the point of trying to hide my age.  At 71 I’m comfortable in my own skin and love my grey hair.  I stopped coloring my hair somewhere around 12 years ago.  It was so freeing I’ve never thought about hair dyes again.  

But, the real issue is the devaluing of aging people due to accepted social norms centered around looking youthful, acting useful and contributing to society through a job.  According to the NIH, “the most complete definition [of ageism] has been offered by [researchers] Iversen, Larsen, and Solem, who, after a review and analysis of all the definitions given over the years, defined ageism as “negative or positive stereotypes, prejudice and/or discrimination against (or to the advantage of) elderly people on the basis of their chronological age or on the basis of a perception of them as being ‘old’ or ‘elderly’.” 

While visiting Italy I noticed a difference in the way I and my fellow aging travelers were treated.  It was with a graciousness and respect that was palpable in transactions at stores, meals in restaurants and just strolling down the street.  I believe the stereotyping of aging in Italy is a positive stereotyping where “respect your elders” is ingrained in the fabric of their social norms.  

I remember touring a villa where certain spaces were roped off.  The very young woman serving as monitor wore dark goth makeup, spiked black and maroon hair, black army boots, pants and pea coat along with a deadpan expression.  Visually scary.  No one was going to touch a thing or cross a barrier with her walking behind us!  Then, I had to make a run to the rest room, which was outside and down a long path on the grounds.  Upon my return she let me in with a stern look.  But, when I went looking for my group to catch up, she motioned to me with a smile, “Come.  I show you short cut.”  With that she led me around a roped barrier, across the living room’s ancient rug I was positive was not to be walked upon, around another barrier and down a hall where I joined my group.  As I turned to thank her she winked and said, “Secret.”  Although with cameras all over the place I don’t think it was a secret.  It was an act of kindness from someone who initially appeared so forbidding.  A reverse lesson in not judging a book by its cover.  I wonder now if the act of kindness was because of my grey hair and wrinkles and the Italian view of aging.

We are at once going through a transformation where aging is not what it once was as people continue to work, remain involved in their communities and are physically active.  Yet, at the same time, much of society views this natural part of life called aging with disdain or perhaps a bit of fear.  After all, following aging to the last is the grime reaper awaiting.  For me exercising, eating a healthy diet, keeping my mind sharp, being involved in my community, having a spiritual practice and engaging with family, friends and my hobbies are the components of healthy aging. That is my anti-aging strategy.

What do we do about the disrespect, the minimizing of our value to society?  I speak up and out about the situations I encounter.  For example, the branch manager.  As mentioned I decided I had to do something about his attitude and comments, not only for the sake of other customers, but for his employees.  Well, I emailed my contact at the bank and expressed my concern and how I had encountered what I believed to be ageism three times over a period of several months.  The CEO and president of the bank asked if it would be ok if the branch manager’s supervisor called me, to which I, of course, agreed.  

I learned that the bank has training about what respect and dignity look like, on discrimination including ageism.  I learned that upper management was sincerely disappointed in the branch manager’s attitude and, as was appropriate, apologized for the ageist treatment.  I haven’t been back because, as noted above, I don’t find it necessary to go to the bank very often.   However, I do hope to see a cultural change on my next visit.  I also hope this young manager views the experience as an opportunity to grow and learn and set a positive example for his staff.  Lastly, I hope he learned that just because someone is “old!” with grey hair and a few wrinkles doesn’t mean they don’t have wisdom,  influence and the power to create change.  

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Nov 27 2016

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

This post first appeared on March 18, 2013.  Given the tumultuous political season just past in the US, I decided to post it again.  Change comes from everyday people taking courage to do extraordinary things.

 

When I started this blog, this post was not the kind of post I had in mind. This is not meant to start any kind of political debate. Nor is it meant to place blame. It is simply something which has been on my mind due to what I’m seeing in the news. Just like every post I write, these are simply my thoughts put in writing. That said, if you have constructive thoughts you’d like to share, I would love to hear them.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve seen a few stories in the news and read some posts on other blogs and list serves about sexism and ageism in America. The views range from Sheryl Sandberg’s view that women must rid themselves of the internal barriers to gaining power in the workplace to male nurses are paid more than female nurses because, well, because they are male. Reading through the conversations on a senior forum, the answers behind the question of ageism from this group of mainly professionals, seems to be the mindset of both the general public as well as workers in the senior care professions. As someone who is categorized as one of the point women fueling the feminist movement of the 1970’s, I say we’ve come along way, baby, but the consciousness raising ain’t done. Mindset on both counts.

So, how is mindset changed? And why is it important to change it? Well, the first answer is that old-fashioned (yes, the tools of the 1970’s are now old-fashioned) consciousness raising is what changes mindset.

I’m not talking about what is politically correct here. I’m talking about our internal beliefs brought to life each and every day through our words and actions. I’m also talking about changing those internal beliefs because it’s practical to change.

That brings me to my answer on the second question. I see sexism and ageism as being linked. And, it’s important to change the attitudes because our society has evolved, but our mindset hasn’t kept pace with the evolution.

It’s no secret. In general, women still outlive men. Yet, women, and their partners, don’t take their working and saving and, yes, contributing to Social Security, as seriously as they should.

The majority of women work today. We are also still the parent who puts aside career in favor of raising our children to a certain age before we head back to work. As a working mother, I know first hand how hard that is and how important that is. From a practical standpoint, I also know, currently, the Social Security Administration will take your 35 highest income years to compute your Social Security benefit.

I have also met many women who forego maxing out their 401k contribution in favor of their spouse’s plan. Why? Mindset. The reason many women live their old age in poverty is because they tend to take care of others before taking care of themselves.

The change in mindset starts with women just as it did in the 1960’s and ’70’s. It is up to women to demand equal pay for equal work. The fact that John Doe has been on the job longer is a red herring if Mary Doe is up to the same speed. You might even say, if Mary can rev her engine at the same rpm’s as John, without the years, then Mary may be the better qualified employee.

It’s also up to Mary to start taking care of Mary by saying to her partner, “I’m putting as much in my retirement fund as you are, Honey”. And, by the way, I need 35 years in the workforce making as much as I can, so if you die first and leave me alone, or, if we’re among the 60% who divorce, I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from in my old age.

Reading the comments on ageism, I found it interesting how several people thought our society needed a Gloria Steinem or a Rosa Parks to make a stand and raise our consciousness about ageism. As someone who watched Gloria Steinem on the evening news way back in the late 1960’s, I must say she was an influence on the direction my mindset took. However, the real work was done by everyday people with the courage to stand up in the face of societal norms and say, “That’s not acceptable anymore.”

Well, people don’t age the way they used to. The reason Social Security and Medicare are in trouble isn’t because of any federal deficit or economic downturn. While the reason is a lot more complicated than this, the short and the long of it is we are living longer. We have better medical care. We have more options available to us. Seniors are more active, more involved than ever. When seniors leave the workforce, if they do at all, they aren’t going home to die. They are going on to a new, exciting chapter of their life journey. Our society has changed. Retirement has evolved. Yet, we hang onto the old stereotypes of aging and the aged — ageism.

Mahatma Gandhi is credited with the quote, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” So, if we want to get rid of sexism and ageism, it’s up to each of us to first get rid of the internal barriers preventing each of us from changing our mindset. We don’t need a Rosa Parks or a Gloria Steinem or a Mahatma Gandhi. After all, at one moment, each of them were just ordinary people willing to take action, to speak up. So, all we really need is the courage of our convictions. Catching up with our societal evolution depends on it.

Sep 3 2016

What To Wear Over 50

A little eyeshadow gives a pink wink

A little eyeshadow

If you Google ‘what to wear over 50 years old’, there are an even 12,000,000 results. That’s 12 MILLLLLL-YUN! I’m sure you see the articles, mostly written for women, as you stand in the check out line at the grocery stores reading magazine covers, or looking through your online news articles. Yes, it’s news that women shouldn’t wear this or that as they age or shouldn’t sport eye shadow or certain lipstick colors. Guys you are not supposed to show off your sagging boney knees, any more than the women, by wearing shorts during those 100 degree August days while playing through eighteen holes. And, forget the swim suit!

I started reading these articles when I stopped coloring my hair way back in 2011. Looking for a makeup palette to complement my grey hair, I noticed articles on what to wear for women over 50 were in long supply. All were geared toward looking more youthful. Although I was in the process of eschewing our societal youth culture by uncovering my grey locks, I eagerly hopped on this train chugging down the track of anti-aging. I saw them as helpful, how-to articles.

It took me a while to catch on — 2011 was five years ago. I’m sometimes a slow learner. Then it clicked this summer when a well-meaning friend cautioned me about staying out in the heat too long. Working on my property expanding my gardens is a passion for me. Not to be deterred by ninety degree days with ninety something humidity, I don my sweatbands, mosquito spray and sunscreen, showing my sagging boney knees in a pair of shorts and my flabby upper arms in a sleeveless tee, while arming myself with Gatorade and water. I take to the land. When my same-age-as-me friend suggested I was getting old and couldn’t stand up to the heat and exercise, I was more than a little annoyed. Yes, I thought, I am aging. What’s the big deal? I’ve been aging from the day I was born.

It was here I realized ageism lies subtly at the underbelly of these articles. We tend to swallow whole this myth of things we should and shouldn’t do as we age — me included — which is exactly what leads to ageism in our society. We fall into the trap of doing everything we can to look youthful while at the same time accepting physical limitations due to age. For starters, we don’t all age on the same timetable. We don’t turn 60 with a birthday present of more wrinkles or less stamina.

Chutzpah aside, I know I don’t have the stamina I once did. Despite the Gatorade and gallon of water, I cannot keep going without feeling washed out later in the day. However, I can do what I used to do, just not as long as I used to do it. Still physically fit, aging is not a reason to stop an activity altogether. That said, I began to question the wisdom of not wearing eyeshadow, sleeveless tops or shorts.

The articles themselves are sometimes silly. One says don’t wear short skirts (those knees again) while another says long skirts are aging, making me look like granny (I am granny!). Cover your wrinkled neck with scarves or turtle necks but don’t button your blouse up to the last button —show some cleavage. That’s apparently peeks of bosom in-between the scarf hanging around your neck. Long sleeves are also preferred. After all they cover those wrinkly elbows and flabby upper arms. The bottom line of these articles is not so much how to look good as you age; it’s more like how to hide the fact that you are aging. They imply aging is ugly — better cover it up. If we don’t want to be marginalized as we age, we must cease buying into the idea of cutting back, taking it easy, stopping loved activities altogether and accepting society’s image of what is age appropriate and what is not.

 
I was further reminded of this when Martin brought home Motorcyclist magazine touting a story of ninety-year-old Erv Daley still riding his motorcycle up to 5,000 miles per year in-between RV stops. For anyone who rides a motorcycle they know 5,000 miles is a lot of miles no matter what your age. Erv has logged 145,000 miles since buying this bike new!  After reading Erv’s story, one cannot help but notice his attitude. It’s not about slowing down as we age. It’s about continuing to do what we love as we age, despite the age.  And how we look be damned!

What not to wear over 50 or 60 or 70 or 80 has less to do with eyeshadow emphasizing the creases of aging eyes or shorts showing off boney sagging knees and more to do with society’s view of aging as a time to slow down, cover up and perhaps even disappear from the rest of the world’s view altogether. What I’ve decided I’m not wearing over 50 is acceptance of a dubious deprecation, subtle or not, about my age and aging. Who decides what is appropriate for me anyway? Me! I made it this far; I think I have a pretty good idea of what I should or shouldn’t wear and what I am capable of doing physically and mentally.

As my husband often quips, “My body will tell me when I can’t do it anymore.” I think he’s right. Besides, I like my pink eyeshadow.

Feb 6 2016

Don’t Trust Anyone Over Thirty

I wrote this post, then I received an email from AARP with a link saying, “Let’s Stop Fighting Age and Start Fighting Ageism #DisruptAging” (http://www.aarp.org) . Wow! It’s nice to know I’m on the leading edge but AARP put a much finer point on it. I invite you to read my take on ageism and visit their site as well.

Somewhere around age twelve or thirteen, the saying, “don’t trust anyone over 30” entered my consciousness as my world, with The Beatles sound track playing in the background, erupted into a free speech, civil rights driven, bra burning disdain for the older, established members of the population. While I only watched from afar as the counterculture unfolded on the nightly news, still it’s no wonder I’m a bit of a cynic about the attitude toward aging today. Baby boomers created this youth culture. It is up to us to change the attitude.

It was on my twenty-fifth birthday when a much younger nephew quipped, “Wow! You’re a quarter of a century old!” While that gave me reason to stop and think about my aging, when thirty did finally appear on my calendar, I sailed through without giving it a thought. I was riding high at the time, successful, respected. Then forty arrived with a neighbor giving me a pot of dead flowers and an “over-the-hill” card. Even so, I still wasn’t feeling as if I was over-the-hill, washed up or any of the other negatives attached to aging.

Nearly another quarter of a century has passed. Now, I do notice _ ageism exists and is sometimes directed toward me. Even the medical profession tells me how I’m in really good health and shape “for your age.” In our youth driven culture my silver hair receives lots of strange looks. There was the bank manager who told me I needed to be quiet while she asked the questions. She couldn’t believe I didn’t have my account number with me. As she treated me like a naughty child, she stared at the top of my head instead of my eyes. Did she think my gray hair equated someone who should be carrying a checkbook instead of a debit card? Did she really think I could be treated without courtesy and respect?

Wondering if ageism really is entrenched in our society, I began researching and reading. Psychologist Becca Levy, PhD, assistant professor of public health at Yale University did a study, which caught my attention. In her study of people over 50, she found those with more positive self-perceptions of aging lived 7.5 years longer than those with negative self-perceptions. Her conclusions point out that negative stereotyping of aging members of our population shorten lives!

We don’t tolerate racism or sexism in our society but we tolerate ageism. Everyone, at least everyone who is lucky, will be aged someday. It seems like only yesterday that Chet Huntley or David Brinkley announced in my parents’ living room the idea of “don’t trust anyone over 30.”  Yet, here I am fifty plus years later, way over thirty and experiencing this gnawing feeling of being discriminated against because of my age. Because of the sheer number of baby boomers, ageism may become the civil rights issue of the coming years.

In that vein and for the record, let me say I am tired of being told I look good for my age. I’m tired of being told I look good for someone with gray hair. I’m tired of being told my addition of pink or blue hair chalk is not age appropriate. Ditto for my leggings, crazy socks, reptile print top and animal print flats. I’m tired of being told I’m aging gracefully. I’m tired of being told I am tech savvy for my age. I’m tired of being told my being tech savvy makes me like “the young people.” I’m tired of being asked if I’m sure of what I recall about a situation. I’m tired of being called “honey”, “dear”, “sweetheart” and “darling”. I don’t know what happened to my real name or even “ma’am” but since I turned 60 and stopped coloring my hair, it seems to have vanished into endearments from complete strangers at the stores, banks and wherever.

As AARP says, “Enough.” Yes, I am tech savvy just like the majority of people over 50. I’m also creative, physically active, mentally and emotionally engaged and my memory still works quite well, thank you very much. Despite my introduction into the “don’t trust anyone over 30” mantra of the 1960s, I also have a very positive view of aging. I feel like I am at the height of my abilities. After a shaky start to retirement, I’ve found my niche. I’m having the best time of my life, feeling more empowered, more confident, more inspired and wiser than I’ve ever felt. I have choices beyond what our culture traditionally dishes out to aging people. The last thing I need are naysayers raining on my parade.

Now, what can we do to change the overall view of aging? We can change it by adopting a positive view of our aging experience. We can educate by not tolerating negative stereotyping _ ageism. After gathering my identification and walking out on the bank manager, I later told her supervisor, my treatment was inappropriate and won’t be tolerated. Fortunately for my bank it was an aberration so I’m still a customer.

Similarly, I told the last thirty something store manager who called me “dear” that the only man with my permission to use endearments instead of my name is my husband. The manager’s bug-eyed, surprised stare and apology tells me he won’t be calling any woman, young or old, “dear” in the near future.

I’ve spoken to plenty of people my age or older with similar experiences who refuse to say anything about ageism. Along with complaining to me, I’ve heard all the excuses for why they don’t complain where it matters, from they don’t want to make a fuss to it won’t do any good to complain. If we are to end ageism, making a fuss is one of the things it will take to do so. Speaking out is what it will take just like it did in the 1960s. We have the numbers to do some good, to change the stereotypes. Educating people is key to achieving a change and the educating starts with us. #DisruptAging