As the one year anniversary of Martin’s death approaches, my heart weighs heavy with sorrow. It’s been a strange year, one of deep persistent sadness coupled with immutable joy. I’ve learned that sadness and joy are not mutually exclusive. They are but two different emotions entwined around my heart in a meandering dance of mourning and moving forward with living.
Realistically, I know the hurt, the unfairness, especially given his healthy lifestyle, of his disease and death will never leave me. He loved bicycling and motorcycling, anything on two wheels. He loved cooking and art. And, he loved me and our family. He loved our cats and our home. He was energetic and creative. I often woke to a latte and juice being placed on my bedside table as he rose each day before I did. I miss loving gestures like this one, the soft smile as he brought me these gifts to start my day.
However, he was also logical, mostly serious, rarely smiling and would want me to be logical about this life change. As much as I may want to, I can’t recreate the life we had. That’s impossible for anyone, anywhere experiencing the loss of a loved one. Life will never be the same. Nevertheless, life can be joyful, filled with happiness. For me, it’s okay to be sad, but I can’t stay sad forever. Emotions come and go whether we’ve experienced a loss or not. That is the ebb and flow of life. Acceptance of this searing loss as well as allowing myself to feel the spectrum of emotions provided room for creating my new life, the life I’m now living.
Through my struggle with depression and the occasional panic attack, journaling about my emotions became a way to acknowledge and accept my feelings as well as Martin’s death. Seeking out spiritual, even mystical teachings, centered my thinking about the natural event of passing from this life. Community involvement and making new friends began with my yoga practice and a class on The Afterlife. I talked about Martin’s life and death and continue to do so. I sold the big house, went to Italy for both of us and started building my new house, symbolizing starting anew.
Grieving is personal. Knowing that, I took a personal approach. On the many, many days when I found myself incredibly happy, I assuaged any guilt by reminding myself that joy was mine to claim again. Carving pumpkins last weekend with my grandchildren, walking the streets of Lucca in Tuscany with peace in my heart, watching the ground breaking for my house, awed by a flock of turkeys gathering on the bank behind my apartment, the unusual sighting of a doe with her spotted triplets, receiving my order of wildflower seeds for my property, such is the joy, which is mine. There is no one way to wend our way through the onslaught of emotions. There is no right way or wrong way, only our way. There are no good emotions or bad emotions, only emotions. Self-care also gained importance as I sought to heal myself. Part of that self-care is allowing my emotions to flow as I grow into this life phase. I’m doing a good job of it. Martin would be proud of me.
I will always feel sadness at his loss. That will never go away even as the memories may fade. There will never be another moment when Martin starts my morning gently setting a latte and juice at my bedside and my opening my eyes to his warm smile, but I know he was here. He is here. He is loved. And, he is missed.
Copyright © 2023 kathysretirementblog.com – All rights reserved.
Kathy's Retirement Blog 
It’s been a year and a half since my dear Robie died. I too have plenty of days of joy. Actually, I have a constant source of joy within me through my Creator; and I have peace about my own eternal destination. But . . . I miss my husband greatly and actually think I miss him more today than I did a year ago when widowhood was still new. I miss his voice and his touch—just his physical being himself. Thankfully, I have a purpose—and that joy—so know I can run the rest of my race well. I wish the same for you.
LikeLike
Gail, My condolences on the loss of your dear husband. I’m still a believer that meaning and purpose are very much a part of whether we are happy in retirement or life in general. I believe I am coming into the new purpose in my life and the spiritual path I have chosen has been instrumental in finding my way. Best to you as well. K
LikeLike
Your words made my heart heavy and brought tears to my eyes. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to lose the love of your life. As I ponder what awaits my husband and I as we approach our 70s, I only pray God gives us strength and peace to endure our journey. I pray as you approach the one year mark that God’s love embrace you with the peace that surpasses all understanding!
LikeLike
When we are part of a couple, Maria, one of us will die first and that is a hard truth for any of us to accept. God will give you the strength when the time comes. Thank you for your heartfelt comments and prayers. K
LikeLike
Kathy, This is such a beautiful tribute to Martin. It brought me to tears. Good tears at the end. And it is an encouragement to those of us who also grieve losses of our own. To know that you are surviving, and even beginning to feel joy would make Martin proud — and likely relieved. And it is a heartfelt example for your loyal readers — your “virtual” friends 🩷 to know that even after the depths of despair, there is hope. And life. Thank you 🥰!
LikeLike
You are welcome Cece. And, thank you for your heartfelt comments. I write with the hope my story and emotional revelations will help other people. So, I’m always happy to hear from readers that my story has helped to provide hope. K
LikeLike
What a lovely and honest tribute about your husband. Thanks for sharing
LikeLike
My prayer for anyone who has lost a loved one is that, over time, their memories of that loved one will bring them peace and eventually more happiness than sadness. It seems like you are on that path and I wish you well on your journey. 💗🙏
LikeLike
Sending warm wishes your way, Kathy.
Your words are, as always, honest & wise.
LikeLike
This is absolutely beautiful and what I loved is the ebb and flow of emotions…this life. Something I wish we could teach…they are starting too early on.
LikeLike
Three cherished widows in my life. One less than a year. One almost 5 years. One 10, who says that not a day goes by that she doesn’t think of him. I know I think of all of them often. They are all part of me as are others who have enriched my life whether here or passed on.
You are right that couples rarely pass at the same time. My turn may come. Or his will. As with any couple, not all is joy – certainly not when there is pain and despair. Cherish each joyful moment together, for one of you will be remembering it alone. And even the less joyful moments are remembered with a new perspective – sometimes with a chuckle.
LikeLike
Your comment is poignant and insightful. Yes, any relationship has its bumps along the road of marriage. And, yes, eventually we can laugh or at least smile at some of the not so good times. So, enjoy every moment. In the end it’s all good. K
LikeLike
Wow. Just wow!
LikeLike
Beautiful writing Kathy. I forwarded to a friend of mine who just lost her husband a couple weeks ago. She had several years of caring for him as he declined from Parkinson’s disease. Then at the end she felt very overwhelmed with his care, but yet now is crying a lot grieving his loss. I’m sure you understand.
Love, Renee
LikeLike
Yes, I understand. I felt tremendous relief at Martin’s passing, which is a normal emotion when caregiving someone for a long time. It is nonetheless a profound loss accompanied by much sorrow. Your friend will need much support during these early days and perhaps beyond. I know you to be a loving, caring person so she has a good friend in you. K
LikeLike
My husband passed away 18 months ago, and my heart feels all the emotions you just expressed. The thing I miss most is hearing him say “Good morning, my love” every single day. Life is certainly a journey after losing your spouse, and for each of us it’s different. Early days of overwhelming sadness and numbness have turned into occasional sadness, moments of tears, and happy memories. I love reading your blog, as there are many similarities in how your life and my life are evolving, as I am sure it is for others. Thank you!
LikeLike
And we share the same first name as well as the experience of widowhood. It is a journey as we begin life anew. The ache becomes less, but never leaves us. I’ve found that special occasions we shared are the hardest for me. That’s when I miss him the most. I send you love and light in transcending into your next chapter of life. K
LikeLike
What an absolutely lovely tribute. My tears flowed, but there was also a big smile as you talked of the joys in your life. You continue to show us the way, should we ever need a guide on a similar journey.
LikeLike
Your words give me hope for how I may be able to endure the day that I might find myself without my dear husband. He has almost died twice in the past 11 years, one of them just a year ago. Doctors are still not sure why. I try to brace myself for the loss, but then I’m not really living in the now. Thank you for sharing your journey as you grow into this next chapter of your life. Your words are such a lovely tribute to your dear Martin and a huge encouragement to others.
LikeLike
I’m sorry to hear about your dear husband. I understand how you must feel. I also understand how difficult it is to stay mindful of the present when you are bracing yourself for loss. If you feel like you are experiencing anticipatory grief, may I recommend seeing a therapist? My therapist, Sandy, in SC helped me sort through my feelings of grief long before Martin passed. Talking to her did help me live more in the present moment. As with all my readers you are in my thoughts and I send you love and light. K
LikeLike
Great suggestion! Thanks Kathy!
LikeLike